unity/answers

"that they may be one, as we are one."


"that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you love me."



These are some of the last words of Jesus ... before he was arrested, and then killed. It seems trite to make blog posts about these kinds of things, it seems trite to even type his name in this blog and imagine your thought-voice reading these words, reading his name.

Aakash Nihalani - @ Carmichael gallery, Los Angeles


As always, I was inspired by my time spent this past weekend with a pal of mine named Brad. We talked about the church, we talked about having all of the answers, we talked about questions, we talked about hypocrisy, the irony, ourselves, others, all of it. And a few of the things he said to me have stayed in my head, in my brain.

He talked about his desire for unification, for unity, 'one-ness'. And he talked about the fact that the less he sees himself as having all of the answers for all people, the less he sees himself as a dictator of all things truth - the easier he found it to love people.

He said that it's great, because he doesn't need to try to love people anymore.

His story, if I may add, is one of being raised in a completely rigid and strict Baptist upbringing. You don't read things that aren't 'Christian', you don't seek the truth for yourself. You are guilty, and you follow the rules, and if you don't, then you should probably give your heart to God again, just in case.


i am music


I thought about this, and how it seemed that before I was Christian, I judged my friends less on their behaviour and its implications for who they should be. I didn't really have an idea of who I thought my friends should be, nor did I have an idea of what I thought they should do. Granted, that as an isolated fact can mean little, but in the grand scheme of things, it's been fascinating to see how I have become some sort of truth-bearing holier-than-thou know-it-all. Sometimes.


Needless to say, this has served as more divisive than anything. Sure, it's allowed me to at times feel like I am right, and like I am better than people because obviously I have in my hands a truth that they do not. Yet I have alienated people and I have felt alienated because of this mindset.


It's not black and white. It's been a part of my identity and a part of my journey, but that hasn't served to completely define who I am.


The irony with folks who say they've got all the answers, be they self-professed subscribers to the tenets of Buddhism, nihilism, Christianity, nothingness, science, etc. is that they may never feel that their job is done, they may never feel satisfied.


For folks who don't have all the answers, they don't feel satisfied - but they explicitly acknowledge that in themselves. And if you're like me, where you definitely don't have all of the answers, but have found yourself unable to find any satisfying answers save for the ones regarding faith in a christian God and Jesus and all of that, then there's an awareness of a tension we live in. Where we have some answers, it feels, and then, we realize we don't, not all of them.


We do live in a tension, I think, where we all crave one-ness, but we realize we don't fully have it. But we sort of do. There's a lot of grey area, you know? But then, I believe there are black and whites. For example, you're either pregnant, or, you're not. I guess the kind-of pregnant phase doesn't seem to last long, at least.



you know, more than anything I seek to have a profound hope in all that I do. and, as the good ol' Christian folks say sometimes, a peace that surpasses all understanding. So that I may not find myself trying to love others around me.


but, hey.
what do I know?

(piano-nerd)

I WANT A FORTEPIANO.

I'm not sure why this one is outside, but it's essentially identical to one that I was able to play today, thanks to my friend Rogan.

I walked past the Early Music Studio in the music building and I heard something that sounded like someone playing an out of tune banjo. I looked in the window, past the dark green blinds, and I saw my friend Rogan. I wanted him to notice me and open the door, but he looked pretty focused, so after listening to him for a bit, I knocked on the door and he let me in.

He was playing a theorbo!

It's a Renaissance instrument. He showed me the other, smaller theorbo he sometimes plays as well. They belong to our school. Then, he showed me the two harpsichords and the piano from the 18th century, one from the era of Schubert or Schumann.

The harpsichord plucks the strings - no wonder why Bach couldn't get any dynamics in any of his pieces!

Then, in the next room, he showed me another harpsichord and a fortepiano.

Of course, first off, it's weird that the keys are reversed in colour - the white keys are black, and vice versa. The fortepiano also had a knee-pedal as a damper instead of a foot pedal. And the hammers are leather-lined rather than felt-lined, which creates an entirely different sound.


I want a fortepiano because it made Haydn and Mozart make sense. Modern pianos are monstrosities compared to their forerunners. Running scales and trills felt like nothing; grace and gentleness in touch seemed to fall off my fingertips.


Ahh, if only I had a spare 50 grand.

owen pallett, rain, music

I pressed the play button on this video and watched a bit of it. I like Owen Pallett's layering.

And then, I couldn't take my eyes off of it, because the rain is crazy! And the tech people by the end are scrambling and tell him to get off stage, but he pleads, "Let me finish this song!" And I'm glad he did.

His new album, Heartland, dropped in the last week. And apparently it is pretty good.

january 15, 2010

I was on the train on Friday and I was looking out the window. I had all of these thoughts swirling around in my head. Then, I grabbed my notebook and I wrote these disjunct thoughts down on paper.

------------

I have this sense of hope, this sense of freshness. I have this sense, in my spirit, that something exciting is on the horizon -- something new, something transformative. In my life, and in others around me. I don't know, it feels like it's been a long time since I've felt this.

I was biking to school today and it occurred to me that in my friend Kristen I see a purity. Not in the typical sense, but a purity of heart. A beautiful, unblemished motivation to see all of this world has to offer and to truly love others.

I was talking to Mike today about the line that exists in the 'Christian' life of loving people with an agenda, and then loving people with ... a bit of an agenda. I guess the former is what we see in 'evangelical' crowds -- where there's a sense of finding the 'lost' and reeling them in. Mike said that everything is better when there's God between you and it, that it makes the fruit more ripe. Juicier, I like to think.

I asked him what he thought about doing anything we do without God in between. He thought for a moment, and continued with the food analogy, saying it's like growing up with a mom who's terrible at cooking but tells you it's the best. And then you try actual good food and it's only in tasting that where you realize how tasty food can be. It's a bit of a conditioned thing, I think.

Red to Black 1 - Chad Hagen

I have this idea -- this idea that ideally, the older we grow, the purer our heart becomes. That, if we are feeling beings, then God uses those feelings to show us his goodness. That we have seasons where life is bleak, or at best, mediocre. And then, we have seasons of renewal. Times where we sense and see and taste a deep hope that spills over into our actions, our thoughts, our interactions with people.

I think it's in both nothingness and in everything that we find wholeness. Where we feel compelled with all of our being to seek purity of heart.

haiti.

AP photo/The Canadian Press, Montreal La Presse, Ivanoh Demers

It is reported that possibly hundreds of thousands of people are missing or dead in Haiti, where an earthquake with the magnitude of 7.0 struck the country's (impoverished) capital, Port-au-Prince, yesterday afternoon (EST).

photo by Daniel Morel/Getty Images

Damage done to the country's infrastructure has been severe.

Aid workers said the capital's creaky water-delivery system was badly damaged by the earthquake. Apparently "lax building codes" as well as shoddy construction contributed to the collapse of many buildings.

photo by Lisandro Suero/Getty Images


an excerpt from the BBC report:

In the minutes after the quake, Henry Bahn, a visiting official from the US Department of Agriculture, said he had seen houses which had tumbled into a ravine.

"Everybody is just totally, totally freaked out and shaken," said Mr Bahn, who described the sky as "just grey with dust".

He said he had been walking to his hotel room when the ground began to shake.

"I just held on and bounced across the wall," he said. "I just heard a tremendous amount of noise and shouting and screaming in the distance."

my heart goes out.

gris

My favourite colour right now is grey (three Canadian spellings in a row, nuts) and that is a good phase of life to be in.

I go through phases of favourite colours where I like one very much for an undetermined amount of time (6 months to a year?) and then, I start to like a new one. In the past my favourite colours have included red, dark purple, bright orange and most recently, I liked olive green.

The past year, in 2009, I found myself attracted to no colour in specific. I didn't find myself thinking about favourite colours a lot, I guess.

But grey is a good colour.


That is my little bro Caleb, and I love him a lot. I took that photo during the Christmas holidays.

Children are gifts from God, man.
I am looking forward to having some of my own someday, I think.

on progress

I've only been a week back to school and already, I yearn for a time less scheduled, less filled. A time with more space and a time with less things to get done.

My (foster) mom said that college were the busiest years of her life.

I say to people sometimes, classmates and colleagues, that I hope these are the busiest years of my life. And they are always kind of confused by that.

Rightfully so! It seems that some people are lifers in school. Is that my future? Will I just go straight from being a student in school for my whole life to being a teacher for the rest of it?

I've talked to several music teachers and teachers in general and it's one of those jobs that becomes your life. To be a good music teacher, it really has to become your life. Marking, planning, organizing, buying, living life, maybe having kids. etc. etc.

Lucid Liquor - Oliver Nieder

In my French literature class we are learning about the 18th century and the 'Age of Enlightenment.' We are learning that a fundamental concept of the Enlightenment was the newfound sense of human progress. In our culture now it seems a huge experience of our world has been greatly shaped by this. ... it's so normal to us that it seems strange to think of it as a cultural invention. But maybe it is a cultural invention.

It seems that as much as our lives have been greatly improved (and definitely altered) by this sense of continuous progress, there has been as much damage done to our search for peace as individual humans. You know?


I lit a candle the other night and just sat by it, existing, and knitting. Then, I felt tired and turned the lights off but let the candle stay lit. I crawled into my bed and I watched the candle, I watched the fire. I thought about decades, centuries of people falling asleep to lit candles. People who existed before we invented artificial lighting. People who wouldn't look at a source of light and think of how next to improve it, how best to make use of our (precious) energy, but would maybe just, be.


ah, how lovely to find peace in everything, to find peace while it seems the world is in constant motion.

change

so it's silly because I cannot find my Here and Now book.

Which means my idea of including some excerpts of it, here in this blog, will not really be able to happen until I find it again. I am unpacking from a month of being away so I am hoping it reveals itself somewhere in the mess of my luggage...

luckily, there are always other things about which one can blog.


inficio - jeng ho

I found a list of "countdown to 2010" songs on a music blog I follow, i guess i'm floating. I like finding new music.

I listened to the song Bradley Bear by a band called Holiday Shores. I had never heard them before but "the underlying 50s theme that explodes into a hip-shaking ending" as well as the "contagious bass" that is "impossible to ignore" as described in its little blurb seemed too irresistible to pass up.

i am music

It is a nice little indie pop tune. I realized, though, that I listened to the bass line in the tune not only based on the songs' description but also because my boyfriend is a bass player, and when we listen to music together he talks about the bass in the music he hears. We were listening to some Kim Walker (et al.) this past week and he mentioned that he started listening to and hearing (and appreciating) vocal harmonies because I sing harmony all the time.

It has struck me lately just how we are greatly shaped by the people who we surround ourselves with. Lately I've been going to Michigan and I don't always hear the (lovely) Michigan accent in the same way I used to. I'm getting used to it! And then sometimes I come home and my friend Mike says he hears me speak with a Michigan accent with some of my words.



i NEVER really listened to the bass in songs before Jesse started talking about it.

humans pick up accents where they go because they hear words pronounced a certain way for so long that it begins to be normal.



isn't that interesting?

a new beginning

It is a new year! And you can count on me for an earnest journey seeking purpose, finding my way in this world. Being painfully self-aware and on the internet, no less. I mean, I don't know how else to be, really.

I received the book 'Here and Now' by Henri Nouwen from my (foster) parents for Christmas. It is a great little book of meditations and reflections. So I have decided that for the next little while, I am going to put them up here. They aren't too long, either.

from the chapter, Living in the Present

One: A New Beginning

A new beginning! We must learn to live each day, each hour, yes, each minute as a new beginning, as a unique opportunity to make everything new. Imagine that we could live each moment as a moment pregnant with new life. Imagine that we could live each day as a day full of promises. Imagine that we could walk through the new year always listening to a voice saying to us: "I have a gift for you and can't wait for you to see it!" Imagine.

Is it possible that our imagination can lead us to the truth of our lives? Yes, it can! The problem is that we allow our past, which becomes longer and longer each year, to say to us: "You know it all; you have seen it all, be realistic; the future will be just another repeat of the past. Try to survive it as best you can." There are many cunning foxes jumping on our shoulders and whispering in our ears a great lie: "There is nothing new under the sun ... don't let yourself be fooled."

When we listen to these foxes, they eventually prove themselves right: our new year, our new day, our new hour become flat, boring, dull, without anything new.

So what are we to do? First, we must send the foxes back to where they belong: in their foxholes. And then we must open our minds and our hearts to the voice that resounds through the valleys and hills to our life saying: "Let me show you where I live among my people. My name is 'God-is-with-you.' I will wipe away all tears from your eyes; there will be no more death, and no more mourning or sadness. The world of the past is gone."

We must choose to listen to that voice, and every choice will open us a little more to discover the new life hidden in the moment, waiting eagerly to be born.