freedom, II

Amidst some really, really excellent moments, I have been feeling pretty sad lately.

I miss my family a lot and I miss warm weather and people who hug me everyday. I know some people here but I am essentially surrounded by strangers. All of us speaking in a language that to me, sometimes seems to close more doors of communication, than the doors of opportunities it opens.

Not to mention, my days are so structured that I'm nearly pulling my hair out. I mean, it's not that bad. But to wake up at the same time everyday, and eat the same food at the same time everyday, with the same people ... man, I don't know.


I kind of broke down crying today and it was nice because my host-mom here hugged me and consoled me (and I even understood nearly everything she said.) I started to read my bible and opened up to Matthew 25. I was looking for the part in Matthew about worrying but couldn't find it.

So, it's the parable of the talents. I read it, and had this strong feeling that this is what God wanted me to be reading right now. I just knew. But I was like, oh man, this doesn't make complete sense, I will google it. (thanks, google.)

So I found this blogpost by some guy that analyzed it. I read it and knew this what I needed to be reading. This is probably the best part:

Happiness is a quality that I inject into my work, not something I derive from it. When I work only for myself, I’m looking for happiness outside myself. Trying to achieve happiness that way doesn’t work. But when I work for others’ benefit and turn off WIIFM for a while (What’s In It For Me?), I tap into the deep wells of happiness that are already inside me. Instead of trying to achieve happiness, I happily achieve. Happiness flows outward from me and into the work I do, so I experience it as an outflow, not an inflow.

Wow. I always forget that when I am in my throes of emotion. I forget that my circumstances probably shouldn't dictate the deep joy that I know is accessible at any moment, at any time. thanks to God.

This should keep me occupied. At least for a little while.

hello.

Me and Alex like the movie Ghostworld. And the colour yellow, too.

I don't remember/know where this is. But it is pretty.

freedom, I

so, I totally found this in one of my notebooks the other day, and I want to share it! I wrote it April 18th, 2009. Which seems like a pretty good date to me. It seems like a long time ago.

When babies are young they cry at the smallest things; their world is so small that it's quite impossible for them to see the big picture, to put things into perspective. As they grow up, though, a parent tells them "yes, this hurts now, but it's going to get better. You'll be alright."

This is me! Emotionally! Spiritually! I am the baby. Young, growing, etc. Crying at the smallest thing. Worrying, fretting if anything questions my security.

And there's nothing wrong with that, right?

No, there isn't. It's just a part of the process of growing up. Because when you get older, there's a retrospect to things that tells you, "yeah, you know what? Everything worked out. I don't know what I got so fussed about."

Does that mean maturity is revealed by retrospection? Not necessarily, I don't think, but part of maturity is seeing the past, present, and future. Having hope.


'Captivating' says this:


"Unveiling our beauty just means revealing our feminine hearts. It's scary, for sure. That is why it is our greatest expression of faith, because we are going to have to trust Jesus -- really trust him. We'll have to trust him that we have a beauty, that what he has said of us is true. And we'll have to trust him with how it goes when we offer it, because that is out of our control. We'll have to trust him when it hurts, and we'll have to trust him when we are finally seen and enjoyed. That's why unveiling our beauty is how we live by faith.

Unveiling our beauty is the greatest expression of hope."

i like

the creak of my bicycle


and the smell of the river.

GOOD NEWS!

whoa!

I AM GOING TO VANCOUVER this summer!

I am going right after this program in Trois-Pistoles finishes. I am flying from Quebec City to Vancouver and, until the end of August, I will be there.

So cool.

I am going to be staff/volunteer with this organization, Youth With a Mission, that puts on this summer program called Mission Adventures.

I'm essentially going to be a camp counselor for youth groups who want to do mission trips. So like, teenagers in churches who want to gain more experience, serve God through social service and social justice, and just have a wild time.

Apparently we do a tour of the Buddhist and Hindu temples around the city, and they sleep on church floors and shower in community centres. The first day with each group, we go down to East Hastings and see what God puts on our hearts.

It's going to be wild.

what if i could love god through creating art? what if i could love god when i knit? when i make music?

what if everything that is beautiful points to the essence of beauty?

---god?

what if the shivers we get when we hear music is just a taste - a mere shadow - of the beauty we were made to experience, always?

my friend Alex told me that Nietzsche said that if religion benefitted you - gave you a sense of community, helped you feel a sense of self-betterment - then that's cool .... but just know, in the back of your head, that none of it is real.

what if we did the opposite, and acted as if nothing existed, but knew in the back of our heads that something did?

what if 'what if' questions actually came to be?

oh, i play melodica now, too

the other day, I ripped a page out of one my notebooks and I found this.


I think I wrote it like, 2 months ago. I remember just having these words in my head and I just wrote them down.


I am glad I did.

je pense en francais, parfois.

this is my bike. it is thirty years older than me.

i found these things in a box, in this thrift-store in this old woman's basement.

this is a silly picture. i don't even like maple syrup very much, but i liked this stuff!

alex was afraid she looks too 'hipster' with this sweater she bought at the local second hand store. but i think she looks pretty cool.

yum.

ouais! c'est bon!

holy smokes!

it's been a while (in internet-world) since I've written in my blog.

Je n'ai pas des photos.

quel dommage.

Mais je peut parler un peu de français ... si tu comprends, c'est cool (oui... on dit 'cool' ici, même c'est un mot anglais) et, si tu peut pas comprendre ... il y a toujours l'internet qui peut t'aider. Ouais.

I am in Québec. the keyboards are weird here. the question mark and apostrophe keys are in different places, with accent keys in their place. which makes writing french easier.

it's beautiful here. I feel like I am in the maritimes because we are so close to the Eastern provinces. it's strange to have people around me speaking in a language that I have to force myself to listen to.

I didn't realize that in English I pretty much hear conversations all the time, without even trying to listen. but in French, I have to force myself to listen, otherwise it all sounds like nothing. It surprisingly takes a lot of effort.

my host family lent me a really sweet bike. it's thirty years old and it's brown and nice. they also have a cat named 'Frimousse,' which is a pet-name for anything cute. it is a pretty cute cat.

Trois-Pistoles is bigger than I thought it would be! there's actual streets. I thought there would be dirt paths, instead of paved roads, for some reason. and there's lots of cars, too.

everyone here says hello to each other in the streets. it's honestly so refreshing. And I have yet to go to the thrift-store but there is a beautiful big church right by the river (le fleuve).

I really wish I had pictures.

Hey! this is an adventure. what I've described doesn't sound too crazy, but I've met some real cool people from all over the country.

if you'd like, you can mail me. I am here until June 11th or 12th. in fact, please do. I love being old fashioned. so I guess, this is the perfect place to be.

hardly unusual

note(s) to self:

a) do not keep toothpaste on my floor. b) do not step on toothpaste and leave it over night.

c) do not take pictures of said toothpaste and post on blog.


oh, yeah. tomorrow, my train leaves at 8 in the morning for Quebec. it is a 17 hour trip, including an hour layover in Toronto (and I'll see my brotha!) à bientôt!

thx, p4k!

man, I'm thinking of getting a tumblr account. which would maybe suck. it's just so much more sleek and cool and stuff.

also, Justin Vernon is making a new record. he is a humble guy.

I think the next chapter isn't about proving anything. From the beginning, the concept of Bon Iver has been about our place in the world and our sentimentality, if you will. Hopefully, I'll have many decades of a career to explore that.

I think if you feel weird and self-conscious about that kind of stuff-- which happened to me at some points last year-- that means your ego is really kicking in. You can understand how people get to be assholes in this business because it's like you're getting pumped full of your own thing so much, you get ungrounded. That's a dangerous place to be.

this video for the new Ponytail song, Celebrate the Body Electric (It Came From an Angel), is wild. just wild. and kinda gross.

it's a good song, though.

i think (my bro) Rodney would maybe like it.

speak

yep. it's May 5th. Cinco De Mayo. my housemate Mark and all of his friends from Windsor are here wearing sombreros and drinking corona and stuff. I had no idea this holiday existed until now.

I signed up for twitter today, though. just so I could 'follow' my friend Alex.

man, all of the good and minimalist username things were taken. even 'yuanb' was taken. I settled for 'iamyuan.' which isn't too bad.

but, don't follow me. I mean, I won't write in it. but, if I decided to, at least, I have some cool friends who use it, now. even my aunt has it. I would like to follow her, maybe.

I went on an amazing bikeride today and saw some amazing houses and some really nice trees. London is a nice place.



I had so many crazy analogies running through my head, I sat by the sunset, and I was piecing all of these things together that I've been thinking a lot about, lately. but ask me about it, 'cause I'd rather tell it in person.

travel travel travel

man, with a bike, I can go anywhere. it makes me want to go everywhere around town.

some excellent news is that I am going to Trois-Pistoles, Quebec this Friday! to take a course, and to immerse myself in French. for 5 weeks.

I am excited. I know my friend Laine will be there. and I will meet many new people, as well. and hopefully make some friends.

I applied for the bursary (that pays for it) a while back, and then I got on the waiting list. I was sad when I didn't think I'd end up getting it. But then, a week before I leave, I get an email, saying, I got it!

after some research, and some youtube videos, this place, being on the St. Lawrence river and all, has the prettiest sunsets ever. I am anticipating some nice photos.

this is just the beginning of scratching that travellin' itch.

may 1st.

as i was packing up my stuff the other day i listened to the juno soundtrack. thank goodness for the juno soundtrack! i didn't realize this song existed before my first listen to the album.

this has got to be one of the most romantic songs. i think i could listen to it over and over and never get sick of it. i'm not sappy or anything. i swear.

Sea of Love - Cat Power