our last day at 168 broughdale ave.
me and mike are moving on.
questions and answers
as a christian i speak of the freedom that the gospel brings, but generally, what defines a christian is what they cannot do. (at least, on a surface level.)
do not drink. do not smoke. do not have sex before marriage. come to our side. do not love homosexuals. or you go to hell.
these are hoops we are willingly jumping through to involve ourselves in something that is supposed to bring "freedom"?
has the bible really just become a ridiculous acronym?
basic
instruction
before
leaving
earth
(lame, i know.)
how relevant is this?
why would people want to attach themselves to this?
it's time for christians to take a step back and ask some profound questions.
there's gotta be an answer.
the early church grew like wildfire. where people were willing to stand in the face of empires and say, "you're not my king -- and i'm am willing to die for it."
my friend mark told a story tonight. he said that his little cousin believes in god and jesus. mark asked him, "how do you know he exists?" and his cousin responded: "because i just do."
isn't that what faith is? : i have no idea why. honestly. but i believe.
we see people who say, yeah. jesus is cool. but christians? and christianity? i just don't see the relevance.
jesus is also saying to not be something. to not be the "religious" person. he tears down the spiritual institution and ritual of the time he was living in, and of now. he tears down empty religiousness. he tears down condemnation, people who say, "you're going to hell." (the truth is, none of us know.)
ultimately ..... isn't what god is interested in, is our hearts? (<3)
questions like these need to be answered in community!
here are the questions i ask:
if we can establish the subversive irreligiousness of jesus, what does it mean to be jesus when you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see?
what does it mean to be jesus when your hands are getting cut off by a tribe? (crazy!)
when you are a student at a school where a shooting happens? when you work 9-5 every day? when you are a university student? when you're a parent?
i thank monday-night emmaus for all of these questions. because sometimes questions are more important than answers.
do not drink. do not smoke. do not have sex before marriage. come to our side. do not love homosexuals. or you go to hell.
these are hoops we are willingly jumping through to involve ourselves in something that is supposed to bring "freedom"?
has the bible really just become a ridiculous acronym?
basic
instruction
before
leaving
earth
(lame, i know.)
how relevant is this?
why would people want to attach themselves to this?
it's time for christians to take a step back and ask some profound questions.
there's gotta be an answer.
the early church grew like wildfire. where people were willing to stand in the face of empires and say, "you're not my king -- and i'm am willing to die for it."
my friend mark told a story tonight. he said that his little cousin believes in god and jesus. mark asked him, "how do you know he exists?" and his cousin responded: "because i just do."
isn't that what faith is? : i have no idea why. honestly. but i believe.
we see people who say, yeah. jesus is cool. but christians? and christianity? i just don't see the relevance.
jesus is also saying to not be something. to not be the "religious" person. he tears down the spiritual institution and ritual of the time he was living in, and of now. he tears down empty religiousness. he tears down condemnation, people who say, "you're going to hell." (the truth is, none of us know.)
ultimately ..... isn't what god is interested in, is our hearts? (<3)
questions like these need to be answered in community!
here are the questions i ask:
if we can establish the subversive irreligiousness of jesus, what does it mean to be jesus when you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see?
what does it mean to be jesus when your hands are getting cut off by a tribe? (crazy!)
when you are a student at a school where a shooting happens? when you work 9-5 every day? when you are a university student? when you're a parent?
i thank monday-night emmaus for all of these questions. because sometimes questions are more important than answers.
i love three things.
my brother left london, he was here for the weekend.
i love my brother. he's one of my best friends, and i'm one of his. aw. how heart-warming.
but i really enjoy our talks because i can ask him really silly deep questions and he often responds thoughtfully. he's a writer, you see. he thinks. he observes. he came to church with me today and i like it because i realized that there are people who go to church and everything, but don't have someone (or people) in their life who challenge pretty much everything they believe in.
rodney isn't confrontational or anything, and doesn't ask me outright questions a lot, necessarily, but i talk about god and church and my life a lot, naturally, so he will respond.
i love being inspired to view things as though i had never seen them (going to church and thinking, what the heck is rodney thinking right now??); and attempting to explain to my brother what i believe and why i do, and then failing miserably.
this is the beautiful thing. i'm sorry rodney, for sucking at explaining god and religion. it's beautiful because sometimes i'm opinionated and self-righteous and uncertain and yet i know things are working the way they should - and that god's grace is shown in my weakness. that rodney's gonna be okay. pretty neat.
he's going to read this, too. which is kinda funny.
one thing i really love, too, is this song by the born ruffians. to me, they're a staple in my library of indie music. this is a live version from the daytrotter sessions.
Foxes Mate For Life - Born Ruffians
(sorry for the pic, rodney.)
it rained today in london.
i had a really good conversation today. i met up with my friend brad and we talked about wild stuff. one thing he's mentioned before, and that we talked about again today, was fermentation. the analogy it can be.
the other night at alex's birthday we went to the pub. brad was talking about how much he loves beer because of the process behind it. how long it takes and the specific process that goes behind making something taste perfect.
i really like that a lot. i really think that good things take a lot of time.
in almost everything i find that i want to see results right away. that's why i like vacuuming sometimes, and even ironing. you get what you want immediately.
ah! if life could be like that. if every problem could be solved, if everything i wanted could be given to me the instant i want it. that would be fun for a bit, maybe. then i'd get bored and probably go after something that was harder to attain, something that required more of a pursuit.
but i think the fermenting is worth it, for things that require it. for friendships, for people to learn about god and maybe to one day love him, too.
brad mentioned that if you taste the beer before it's ready it tastes pretty bad. i haven't done this with beer, but i think with many things i have experienced this.
so this is a truth to me, because i have experienced it.
that good things take time.
the other night at alex's birthday we went to the pub. brad was talking about how much he loves beer because of the process behind it. how long it takes and the specific process that goes behind making something taste perfect.
i really like that a lot. i really think that good things take a lot of time.
in almost everything i find that i want to see results right away. that's why i like vacuuming sometimes, and even ironing. you get what you want immediately.
ah! if life could be like that. if every problem could be solved, if everything i wanted could be given to me the instant i want it. that would be fun for a bit, maybe. then i'd get bored and probably go after something that was harder to attain, something that required more of a pursuit.
but i think the fermenting is worth it, for things that require it. for friendships, for people to learn about god and maybe to one day love him, too.
brad mentioned that if you taste the beer before it's ready it tastes pretty bad. i haven't done this with beer, but i think with many things i have experienced this.
so this is a truth to me, because i have experienced it.
that good things take time.
Making Bread.
i don't want this to turn into a tumblr-type thing or anything, but i just like posting stuff, maybe not every day, but i thought about putting this up here a while ago.
i like saying my own thoughts better than having vids and music speak for me generally, but i got nothin'. i'm just happy.
so, i dig this. john heslop is a legend.
Making Bread from Jon Heslop on Vimeo.
i like saying my own thoughts better than having vids and music speak for me generally, but i got nothin'. i'm just happy.
so, i dig this. john heslop is a legend.
Making Bread from Jon Heslop on Vimeo.
sniff sniff, blink, acorn
this shouldn't be worth a new post in my blog, but i just can't help myself.
http://twitter.com/common_squirrel.
http://twitter.com/common_squirrel.
well, you see,
i never really liked mewithoutYou.
my buddy kenny was all about'em, listened to them a lot, and i borrowed one of their albums from him ... Brother, Sister. it just wasn't my kind of music because i couldn't handle the lack of melody and the amount of yell-singing the guy did. i don't know.
i thought they were innovative, though, and i appreciated that.
but the awesome news is that they have a new album, and i actually love it. it's called: It’s all crazy! it’s all false! it’s all a dream! it’s alright.
they've got folk inspirations like neutral milk hotel and dylan in this album, and i can actually sing to it!
my buddy kenny was all about'em, listened to them a lot, and i borrowed one of their albums from him ... Brother, Sister. it just wasn't my kind of music because i couldn't handle the lack of melody and the amount of yell-singing the guy did. i don't know.
i thought they were innovative, though, and i appreciated that.
but the awesome news is that they have a new album, and i actually love it. it's called: It’s all crazy! it’s all false! it’s all a dream! it’s alright.
they've got folk inspirations like neutral milk hotel and dylan in this album, and i can actually sing to it!
the best song on the album
they have really nice full beards, too.
journey with me
i met two people tonight on the way home from toronto. a 25 year old guy named brandon who is getting his 4th diploma from college and an older man named doug who drives taxis.
doug was telling me about how much it costs to get the little piece of metal on the back of a taxi, in order to become a taxi driver. it can get pretty expensive. i had no idea.
it made me think of the movie taxi driver, with robert deniro. that was a pretty okay movie.
i really like meeting new people and having strange yet terribly normal conversations.
awake, o sleeper
wow! good things are happening. the bulk barn in the mall is closing so everything is 25% off. i got my soynuts for like a dollar today. they make a good snack. i did my taxes for the first time today, met a nice woman named pat. wore a dress and some keds and felt pretty, and walked around all day in the sunshine.
but even better than that is what i'm learning - about god, about this process called life, about purpose.
so yeah, it was just easter, right? so it's all about the resurrection of jesus, his coming back to life. me and some friends were talking about it tonight - resurrection - and what this concept means to our everyday lives.
i feel like this word sounds a bit 'christian-ese.' like the word redemption, or atonement, or even unconditional love. and grace, and mercy. all of that stuff. (i looked it up and) resurrection is the latin/old french for resurgere, which means to rise again. (neat.)
i think of myself and who i am now, and who i used to be. it's such a big difference!
i wrote in my journal today (oh wait, this isn't it) that i wish life could have become easier after i became a christian. that i could just give myself to god once, and i would never doubt, ever again. but if anything, it would be almost completely impossible for me to return to the numbness and naivete of life before my awareness of god's presence in my life.
because i wasn't full of joy. i wasn't abounding in a sense of purpose. i was so lost, seeking in all the wrong ways to get the next thrill, to get some sense that someone would find me lovely, captivating, and desirable. whoa! i'm like, being vulnerable here! on the internet. but it's okay.
i think of myself like a volcano. i wasn't dead, completely. i was dormant. i knew something 'more' was out there but didn't know what. thought believing in god was stupid.
i can't share my testimony here, though. i just can't. but things clicked into place, and i was awakened, i had been made aware of all that life could be, and i wanted more.
i still want more. that's the fun, amazing, crazy thing. is that my belief in god doesn't mean i stop asking questions. not at all. if anything, i ask way more. life is an adventure. it's not like putting my trust in god is a bandaid.
like i was lost, and now i'm all better.
haha, and it's hardly like that.
i discovered this band, the one band member, tim martin, calls himself 'his name shall breathe' and this is what he has to say:
yes. i devote myself to god. i seek, i yearn, i love, i am growing and discovering how best to fulfill this sense of purpose.
let me ask you this: what do you devote yourself to? what do you hope for? do you ask these questions of yourself? can you admit that it's possible you are lost? even in the slightest? can you admit that what you've been doing so far hasn't been giving you the deep sense of joy you know that you look for, therefore desire to find?
i don't know all these answers. i pray that we can continue asking them together.
but even better than that is what i'm learning - about god, about this process called life, about purpose.
so yeah, it was just easter, right? so it's all about the resurrection of jesus, his coming back to life. me and some friends were talking about it tonight - resurrection - and what this concept means to our everyday lives.
i feel like this word sounds a bit 'christian-ese.' like the word redemption, or atonement, or even unconditional love. and grace, and mercy. all of that stuff. (i looked it up and) resurrection is the latin/old french for resurgere, which means to rise again. (neat.)
i think of myself and who i am now, and who i used to be. it's such a big difference!
i wrote in my journal today (oh wait, this isn't it) that i wish life could have become easier after i became a christian. that i could just give myself to god once, and i would never doubt, ever again. but if anything, it would be almost completely impossible for me to return to the numbness and naivete of life before my awareness of god's presence in my life.
because i wasn't full of joy. i wasn't abounding in a sense of purpose. i was so lost, seeking in all the wrong ways to get the next thrill, to get some sense that someone would find me lovely, captivating, and desirable. whoa! i'm like, being vulnerable here! on the internet. but it's okay.
i think of myself like a volcano. i wasn't dead, completely. i was dormant. i knew something 'more' was out there but didn't know what. thought believing in god was stupid.i can't share my testimony here, though. i just can't. but things clicked into place, and i was awakened, i had been made aware of all that life could be, and i wanted more.
i still want more. that's the fun, amazing, crazy thing. is that my belief in god doesn't mean i stop asking questions. not at all. if anything, i ask way more. life is an adventure. it's not like putting my trust in god is a bandaid.
like i was lost, and now i'm all better.
haha, and it's hardly like that.
i discovered this band, the one band member, tim martin, calls himself 'his name shall breathe' and this is what he has to say:
“We’re all part of the same revolution, and it’s called, ‘I’m going to care about something so much that it changes my life’."
yes. i devote myself to god. i seek, i yearn, i love, i am growing and discovering how best to fulfill this sense of purpose.
let me ask you this: what do you devote yourself to? what do you hope for? do you ask these questions of yourself? can you admit that it's possible you are lost? even in the slightest? can you admit that what you've been doing so far hasn't been giving you the deep sense of joy you know that you look for, therefore desire to find?
i don't know all these answers. i pray that we can continue asking them together.
/focus
i should have been practicing. my jury is tomorrow. but instead, i take pictures when i can't focus.
(some moments)
my life in pictures
me and em, our one year anniversary! reunion is lovely.
hey!
i didn't take a picture of kim w. herself, so this is the next best thing. she rocks.
oh, it's so precious! oh! our newest addition, chelsea erin. i really like babies sometimes.
F, a good intro chord for the little brother.
my grandma's choice in wallpaper is comforting, like warm milk.
HAPPY EASTER.
i thank only God for family, friends and a love that is not cautious.
me and em, our one year anniversary! reunion is lovely.
hey!
i didn't take a picture of kim w. herself, so this is the next best thing. she rocks.
oh, it's so precious! oh! our newest addition, chelsea erin. i really like babies sometimes.
F, a good intro chord for the little brother.my grandma's choice in wallpaper is comforting, like warm milk.
HAPPY EASTER.
i thank only God for family, friends and a love that is not cautious.
on the subway
(a poem)
i'm seeing you through layers and layers
of glass
but i only want to see you
through none
(i think this might be about god.)
yeah!
i want to be someone that people can count on.
i'm sitting in the backseat of kathryn's van tonight, emily wadden to my left and natasha to my right. they were talking about some mutual person they know named mark and emily was like, "what's mark like" and then natasha started to describe him and then said that he's someone people can count on.
i want to be that. that to be one of my characteristics. because sometimes i'm irresponsible, and i think it's time to grow up.
being earnest is fun.
i'm sitting in the backseat of kathryn's van tonight, emily wadden to my left and natasha to my right. they were talking about some mutual person they know named mark and emily was like, "what's mark like" and then natasha started to describe him and then said that he's someone people can count on.
i want to be that. that to be one of my characteristics. because sometimes i'm irresponsible, and i think it's time to grow up.
being earnest is fun.
status: found
i'm so tired of technology!
i don't know if i'll ever actually stop being so critical of it, and i don't know if i want to be.
the irony is that i'm writing this in a blog. on the internet. where everyone can see. and hopefully people read.
i was talking to a friend tonight, i was practicing piano late at night (it's still monday to me) and i went to get a drink of water from the third floor water fountain, which is pleasant and very cold, and i saw one of my friends down the hall.
she came down the hall and we chatted for a moment and i told her how my back sometimes hurts when i play piano and she was telling me about pilates and we were having a pleasant conversation and she had her cellphone in her hand. in a pause in the conversation she flipped open her cellphone to see who had texted her and then proceeded to read it, and started to walk away. i only really noticed this happening after i'd thought about it, because i said to her, "it was lovely briefly talking to you!" and by that time her back was turned and she never responded!
what the heck!
tonight, i'm at the grad club and jazz ensemble is performing, and at this point it's john and not me playing keys, but i'm sitting with some of my chums having a good ol' time, but then i notice that three of my acquaintances to my right are sitting at a table. they're all holding their blackberries, typing furiously on them and not even looking at each other. and i can think of countless times where people have almost run into me because they're texting on their phone and not watching where they're going!
i sound frustrated, and i am bit, but not really with people, who, essentially are victims. it's the cellphones themselves that i blame. and it's the evolution of technology.
i was just wondering today if there were ever any people who were like, "i'll never get a TV!" or, "i'll never get a computer." but everyone has those now. because one goal of mine is to go my whole life without ever getting a cellphone. sometimes i wish i had one, but i know i'd just be text-crazy like everyone else!
the real issue i have is people who are communicating with people on a surface level and not really or deeply connecting with someone who's right in front of them. and that acquiring knowledge is so easy to do. and that with typed conversations and screens, there are so many gaps to fill -- you can't hear how something would have been said, you can't even sometimes put a sound of the voice to the words you are reading.
it kills me. i just want people to sit down and have real conversations. to read books. to talk about these books. to go on walks together. not be worried about what their next plan is and with whom, and to be okay walking somewhere and not having someone to talk to. i have a few friends who call someone anytime they're walking "alone" somewhere. since when are we not okay with walking and just being lost in our own thoughts sometimes? or noticing the beauty of the world around us?
yeah, i'm pretty frustrated. i'm not sure where the reconciliation is! i'm going to have to give in one day and become like everyone else and then enjoy it myself, or never give in and maybe continue to be angry about it.
or maybe i'll just be different and happy. and not pity people because i'm cellphone-less and obviously doing much better. but love people. haha, much easier said than done.
on the bus the other day, these two guys were talking and one of them said, "man, she lost like, the three most important things. her ipod, her cellphone and her camera."
in related news, i found my camera. thank goodness. i was getting very uncomfortable without it.
i don't know if i'll ever actually stop being so critical of it, and i don't know if i want to be.
the irony is that i'm writing this in a blog. on the internet. where everyone can see. and hopefully people read.
i was talking to a friend tonight, i was practicing piano late at night (it's still monday to me) and i went to get a drink of water from the third floor water fountain, which is pleasant and very cold, and i saw one of my friends down the hall.
she came down the hall and we chatted for a moment and i told her how my back sometimes hurts when i play piano and she was telling me about pilates and we were having a pleasant conversation and she had her cellphone in her hand. in a pause in the conversation she flipped open her cellphone to see who had texted her and then proceeded to read it, and started to walk away. i only really noticed this happening after i'd thought about it, because i said to her, "it was lovely briefly talking to you!" and by that time her back was turned and she never responded!
what the heck!
tonight, i'm at the grad club and jazz ensemble is performing, and at this point it's john and not me playing keys, but i'm sitting with some of my chums having a good ol' time, but then i notice that three of my acquaintances to my right are sitting at a table. they're all holding their blackberries, typing furiously on them and not even looking at each other. and i can think of countless times where people have almost run into me because they're texting on their phone and not watching where they're going!
i sound frustrated, and i am bit, but not really with people, who, essentially are victims. it's the cellphones themselves that i blame. and it's the evolution of technology.
i was just wondering today if there were ever any people who were like, "i'll never get a TV!" or, "i'll never get a computer." but everyone has those now. because one goal of mine is to go my whole life without ever getting a cellphone. sometimes i wish i had one, but i know i'd just be text-crazy like everyone else!
the real issue i have is people who are communicating with people on a surface level and not really or deeply connecting with someone who's right in front of them. and that acquiring knowledge is so easy to do. and that with typed conversations and screens, there are so many gaps to fill -- you can't hear how something would have been said, you can't even sometimes put a sound of the voice to the words you are reading.
it kills me. i just want people to sit down and have real conversations. to read books. to talk about these books. to go on walks together. not be worried about what their next plan is and with whom, and to be okay walking somewhere and not having someone to talk to. i have a few friends who call someone anytime they're walking "alone" somewhere. since when are we not okay with walking and just being lost in our own thoughts sometimes? or noticing the beauty of the world around us?
yeah, i'm pretty frustrated. i'm not sure where the reconciliation is! i'm going to have to give in one day and become like everyone else and then enjoy it myself, or never give in and maybe continue to be angry about it.
or maybe i'll just be different and happy. and not pity people because i'm cellphone-less and obviously doing much better. but love people. haha, much easier said than done.
on the bus the other day, these two guys were talking and one of them said, "man, she lost like, the three most important things. her ipod, her cellphone and her camera."
in related news, i found my camera. thank goodness. i was getting very uncomfortable without it.
les mots sages
aw, i'm sad. i lost my camera. which is okay.
it was a canon sd 750, though, and i remember saving up a lot for it a few years ago. i wanna update my stuff here but i have no new pics. at least, my brother said he would give me his nice SLR -- but it's not digital! which means i'll be printing REAL pictures.
crazy.
on another note, it's quite cold here in london, but i am so so excited for easter. i've also been practicing piano for hours a day - until i can't stand it, because my jury is coming up and i would love to do well on it. i'm playing some neat pieces. it's amazing, actually. i've been playing piano for ten years but am only really now coming into an understanding of how to listen to myself and the sounds i am making. i learned to just see music as notes - somehow i just got to the point where i was blind to all of the directions like rhythm and dynamics and everything.
my flute teacher a little while ago was telling us about this book she was reading. i forget the name of it. it was this story of this person (a woman, i think) who was a very successful concert pianist, but eventually just stopped playing completely because she found that everything became automatic. she was playing beautifully, i'm sure, but from the sounds of it, not really interacting with the music. i think i've been able to relate to that. you dont' stop to think about the relationship between the notes, or the motivation of the composer. anything that becomes stale like that needs a renewal.
i guess her (and my) success story is where something changes - in my case, getting a teacher able to encourage me to think independently - and you begin to actually interact with the music. it's so cool.
it takes effort, though. i've been like, summing up after i play, what i accomplished during each practice sesh. so if you walk by a practice room that i happen to be in, and you see me talking to myself, then i'm probably doing that. or praying.
oh man! there's so many parallels here for anything, but of course, spiritual stuff comes to mind. when anything becomes mindless, then it probably isn't as challenging. if you're not wrestling with it and asking yourself why you're doing it, what makes you come back to this place again and again, then it may come to not mean as much.
haha, wise words from yuan b.
oh, yeah, well i found a room where the sun was setting today, and here's a pic. thank goodness for photobooth.
it was a canon sd 750, though, and i remember saving up a lot for it a few years ago. i wanna update my stuff here but i have no new pics. at least, my brother said he would give me his nice SLR -- but it's not digital! which means i'll be printing REAL pictures.
crazy.
on another note, it's quite cold here in london, but i am so so excited for easter. i've also been practicing piano for hours a day - until i can't stand it, because my jury is coming up and i would love to do well on it. i'm playing some neat pieces. it's amazing, actually. i've been playing piano for ten years but am only really now coming into an understanding of how to listen to myself and the sounds i am making. i learned to just see music as notes - somehow i just got to the point where i was blind to all of the directions like rhythm and dynamics and everything.
my flute teacher a little while ago was telling us about this book she was reading. i forget the name of it. it was this story of this person (a woman, i think) who was a very successful concert pianist, but eventually just stopped playing completely because she found that everything became automatic. she was playing beautifully, i'm sure, but from the sounds of it, not really interacting with the music. i think i've been able to relate to that. you dont' stop to think about the relationship between the notes, or the motivation of the composer. anything that becomes stale like that needs a renewal.
i guess her (and my) success story is where something changes - in my case, getting a teacher able to encourage me to think independently - and you begin to actually interact with the music. it's so cool.
it takes effort, though. i've been like, summing up after i play, what i accomplished during each practice sesh. so if you walk by a practice room that i happen to be in, and you see me talking to myself, then i'm probably doing that. or praying.
oh man! there's so many parallels here for anything, but of course, spiritual stuff comes to mind. when anything becomes mindless, then it probably isn't as challenging. if you're not wrestling with it and asking yourself why you're doing it, what makes you come back to this place again and again, then it may come to not mean as much.
haha, wise words from yuan b.
oh, yeah, well i found a room where the sun was setting today, and here's a pic. thank goodness for photobooth.
school.
i'm sick of it.
i am looking forward to summer!
i went to anglican church for the first time this past sunday ... we went out for some falafel after, and i went to the bathroom down the stairs, and this was on the wall.
persistence is good.
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