me and Leanne like this song.
man! it always gets me.
everyone's heard of PostSecret, I guess.
they published an article in the school newspaper of the new PostSecret book. it looks interesting. I like the blog.
the secrets are read better en masse, I find.
they published an article in the school newspaper of the new PostSecret book. it looks interesting. I like the blog.
the secrets are read better en masse, I find.
hi!
I saw a really nice sunset today. My favourite time of the day is that time where it's not yet night and it's not quite day -- it always catches me off guard. It's so fleeting, too, those moments of in-between.
But, this is a sunset I saw once in Vancouver. I was talking to a friend today who had spent her summer on the west coast of Ireland and I asked her if she would ever move there. She said yeah, but then said that it's kind of nice to just keep some places just the way they were as you remembered them, without bringing all the mundane everyday stuff there.
it looks like it's going to be a beautiful day, tomorrow, too.
But, this is a sunset I saw once in Vancouver. I was talking to a friend today who had spent her summer on the west coast of Ireland and I asked her if she would ever move there. She said yeah, but then said that it's kind of nice to just keep some places just the way they were as you remembered them, without bringing all the mundane everyday stuff there.
it looks like it's going to be a beautiful day, tomorrow, too.
process!
if someone were to ask me right now if I find my life exciting, I would think about it, and then say, "yes."
I am learning so much about music, I am seeing new and wonderful things in the nature around me everyday, I am learning so much about the people surrounding me, learning to fully love, and all of that.
my friend Mika and I have talked a lot in the past about how we feel so compelled to live different lives. no status quo for us - that's already been done. it's like there's something in me that just refuses to live this simple little life of graduating, getting a job, a house and kids and saving for retirement - I need to revolutionize, I need to travel and do, I need to create. this isn't new news for you, though! you already knew that.
but, I'm on this journey, you see.
so, I've stated my case. this ailment, this syndrome; a fear of feeling like I've not lived my life to the fullest if I don't DO something spectacular with myself. it probably doesn't help that so much of our worth and the shape of our identity seem dependent on our vocations and the decisions we make in life.
this is where I respond to my now-expressed afflictions; allow me to preface this response by saying that:
Relationships are beautiful things.
my boyfriend, Jesse, has this ability to love people in a pretty quiet and magnificent way. he is easy to talk to, easy with which to relate, he accepts people as they are.
having said that, I have realized that I am a terribly judgmental person, generally mostly to those who I perceive that have it together - whether it's spiritually, emotionally, or financially.
what I mean by that, is that I find myself judging those who seem to live very comfortable lives, because I perceive that there can't be a trust for God if their bank accounts are full of money. if someone lives in a really nice house with lots of nice things and speaks really well and dresses really well, then they're probably unaware of all of the poverty in the world because they are so comfortable.
they're not doing enough; they can't be.
I've been starting to see the huge connection here.
this is huge!
this is monumental! I mean, I guess it's fairly simple. the more I judge myself, the more I judge others.
and I don't want either, at all, ever, really.
I have been spending time with God alone, disciplining myself to just be in his presence and to completely banish all of my worries, to not think about anything that needs to be done that day or later, but to picture myself, sitting cross-legged in his hand, being completely useless in terms of my performance, and literally telling myself that God is completely pleased with me.
I have found this incredibly freeing.
to release myself from the need of doing, to create a space for myself and for others where we are free to be more of who we are, and less of what we do. this is a good chapter of life. I am liking these themes.
there's this line from the movie Before Sunrise. the character, Celine says:
man! the stuff that lasts, the stuff that is exciting, is stuff that involves relationships. because, I think, these relationships point us to the richness and to the total goodness of God.
I am learning so much about music, I am seeing new and wonderful things in the nature around me everyday, I am learning so much about the people surrounding me, learning to fully love, and all of that.
my friend Mika and I have talked a lot in the past about how we feel so compelled to live different lives. no status quo for us - that's already been done. it's like there's something in me that just refuses to live this simple little life of graduating, getting a job, a house and kids and saving for retirement - I need to revolutionize, I need to travel and do, I need to create. this isn't new news for you, though! you already knew that.
but, I'm on this journey, you see.
so, I've stated my case. this ailment, this syndrome; a fear of feeling like I've not lived my life to the fullest if I don't DO something spectacular with myself. it probably doesn't help that so much of our worth and the shape of our identity seem dependent on our vocations and the decisions we make in life.
this is where I respond to my now-expressed afflictions; allow me to preface this response by saying that:
Relationships are beautiful things.
my boyfriend, Jesse, has this ability to love people in a pretty quiet and magnificent way. he is easy to talk to, easy with which to relate, he accepts people as they are.
having said that, I have realized that I am a terribly judgmental person, generally mostly to those who I perceive that have it together - whether it's spiritually, emotionally, or financially.
what I mean by that, is that I find myself judging those who seem to live very comfortable lives, because I perceive that there can't be a trust for God if their bank accounts are full of money. if someone lives in a really nice house with lots of nice things and speaks really well and dresses really well, then they're probably unaware of all of the poverty in the world because they are so comfortable.
they're not doing enough; they can't be.
I've been starting to see the huge connection here.
a) I don't think of myself as DOING enough, therefore
b) other people are never DOING enough, either.
b) other people are never DOING enough, either.
this is huge!
this is monumental! I mean, I guess it's fairly simple. the more I judge myself, the more I judge others.
and I don't want either, at all, ever, really.
I have been spending time with God alone, disciplining myself to just be in his presence and to completely banish all of my worries, to not think about anything that needs to be done that day or later, but to picture myself, sitting cross-legged in his hand, being completely useless in terms of my performance, and literally telling myself that God is completely pleased with me.
I have found this incredibly freeing.
to release myself from the need of doing, to create a space for myself and for others where we are free to be more of who we are, and less of what we do. this is a good chapter of life. I am liking these themes.
there's this line from the movie Before Sunrise. the character, Celine says:
I had worked for this old man and once he told me that he had spent his whole life thinking about his career and his work. And he was fifty-two and it suddenly struck him that he had never really given anything of himself. His life was for no one and nothing. He was almost crying saying that.
man! the stuff that lasts, the stuff that is exciting, is stuff that involves relationships. because, I think, these relationships point us to the richness and to the total goodness of God.
and the leaves are falling
kids fidgeting, learning music, looking right at you without reserve. singing, learning rhythm, learning sixteenth notes, these are the things that will make up my Thursday afternoons.
thanks to the volunteer program that is available to me by being a music education student.
a group of grade 5/6 students come in the classroom and one of the boys looks at me and says to his two other friends, "I think it's a boy."
I couldn't help but laugh! So I told the teacher, "they think I'm a boy" and she introduced me, intentionally using "she," and they whispered about it. I guess the button up shirt and the loafers didn't help, but I mean, it's kinda funny.
that, and my grandma's reaction to my hair ("What did you do to your hair? ...You were so pretty!") has probably made the shave worth it.
(last night's walk; guess those people really like to keep their lawn pretty clean.) oh, life is so, so beautiful.
please wake up tomorrow and feel so joyous, please rejoice(!), because.
by the way, did you know that the Bowerbirds play with a nylon stringed guitar with a pick-up?
monday nights.
so I am sitting here in the United Church surrounded by my friends.
my friend Brad leads this Monday night thing called Emmaus, us "young adults" get together and we talk about God. I am using his computer because I left my own computer charger at my boyfriend's house.
tonight, we talked about God. again!
tonight he mentioned this C.S. Lewis quote - I need to find it verbatim but I did it find it quoted in various places on this internet thing here -
he said that, prayer doesn't change God, really. prayer changes us. it causes our hearts to grow. we pray to God, we talk to him about anything in our heads, anything we feel, and it transforms us more than anything else.
because, a lot of people, sometimes feel like they don't pray enough. our small brains think so "cause + effect" that we think our actions have to do with the "good" or "bad" things that happen to us.
God is way more mysterious than that, I can't seem to figure him out.
and I'm pretty glad about that.
either way, we never really do enough, we are never really good enough people.
but it's okay! because it's really the grace(!) of God that is the point. i think.
unconditional love!
it's funny 'cause as humans, we're really terrible at unconditional love. there's always conditions. always. yet, a God who is pleased with us at any point in our lives, at any time, is a pretty cool guy.
how fun!
read/watch/listen
I was recently very struck by this article I read the other day in the National Post.
here's the few lines to intrigue:
oh, hey, here's the link, again!
it's a bit long, but it's so well-written.
Please read it!
also, this is a great cover of a great song:
here's the few lines to intrigue:
Parents often complain that kids grow up too fast these days. But many parents, it seems, aren't growing up at all. From middle-aged women dressing like high-school fashion victims to daddy's X-Box addiction, modern adults are reverting to childish habits en masse. In a week-long series, Grow Up, the National Post comment pages examine this annoying phenomenon. In today's inaugural feature, Christine Rosen examines mommies and daddies who put hipster posturing ahead of responsible parenthood.
oh, hey, here's the link, again!
it's a bit long, but it's so well-written.
Please read it!
also, this is a great cover of a great song:
do vs be
is that not what 'enlightenment' is?
the courage to believe that our mere existence is -- needs to be -- enough, in and of itself?
what if we made lists of things to be,
rather than lists of things to do?
otherwise, will we ever feel satisfied, with our ever-growing list of
things to be done?
this is something I'm still learning, still figuring out.
'cause I have this idea that if life doesn't involve many things being done, it won't be exciting.
but that idea isn't essentially a freeing idea.
and God is about freedom. and he's freed us from things that don't allow us to fully live life.
to fully be,
is to fully live.
because, just being,
is enough.
the courage to believe that our mere existence is -- needs to be -- enough, in and of itself?
what if we made lists of things to be,
rather than lists of things to do?
otherwise, will we ever feel satisfied, with our ever-growing list of
things to be done?
this is something I'm still learning, still figuring out.
'cause I have this idea that if life doesn't involve many things being done, it won't be exciting.
but that idea isn't essentially a freeing idea.
and God is about freedom. and he's freed us from things that don't allow us to fully live life.
to fully be,
is to fully live.
because, just being,
is enough.
photo, shoot!
so, my friend Alayna is sort of an amateur photographer. We have double bass class together and the other day a few weeks ago, she says to me, "I like your look, let's have a photoshoot." we both like stuff like that, and I guess I am a willing subject, and she a willing photographer.
it's kinda weird to put photos up of just me, on my blog, on the internet! but I just really like that photography is ART - creative, interesting, and fun.
so she just snapped some shots.
a day in the life, clearly. life is happening around us all the time.
we threw this blanket on me, and I've always liked those trees out that window.
so yeah, it's funny because it's like that piece of art with the guy and the pitchfork, right? Mark bought that huge bottle of whiskey for a hundred and twenty dollars.
both Alayna and I like the juxtaposition of natural femininity and the kind of harshness of a shaved head.
and then, I grabbed the little dolphin figurine off of Mira's shelf.
it's kinda weird to put photos up of just me, on my blog, on the internet! but I just really like that photography is ART - creative, interesting, and fun.
so she just snapped some shots.
a day in the life, clearly. life is happening around us all the time.
we threw this blanket on me, and I've always liked those trees out that window.
so yeah, it's funny because it's like that piece of art with the guy and the pitchfork, right? Mark bought that huge bottle of whiskey for a hundred and twenty dollars.
both Alayna and I like the juxtaposition of natural femininity and the kind of harshness of a shaved head.
and then, I grabbed the little dolphin figurine off of Mira's shelf.
gee thanks!
Why do I do what I do?
Why am I studying music?
What am I good at? How do I do well in school? How I do get A's? Other than getting accepting at my preferred teacher's college, is it all worth it?
Do I want to go to teacher's college?
How do I practice more? How do I not waste my time?
What does all of this mean in terms of the worship I seek to give to God?
Truth is, I'm tired of seeing the tests, seeing the dates in my calendar highlighted with colours, telling me when I am going to be tested on something. I am tired of learning things for tests. For marks.
I want to defy what is now the norm -- at least on a surface glance -- the post-modern, school-for-the-sake-of-a-future-vocation sort of mentality. I don't know if I want to teach music.
But I want to go in each class I have, and act as if I do. I want to practice piano like a piano major, I want to practice bassoon as if I am taking private lessons, I want to conduct as if it is my passion. I want to learn Spanish with (real) hopes of going to a Spanish-speaking country one day.
I want to do that, because I want to love what I do right now, I want to always make things new.
ps. that's god.
life in photos
It all began with this one guy, named Sufjan. My life since September 25th, that is. I mean, he's pretty awesome, I guess. (!!)
Oh, and I guess he's been working out, by the way. He's ripped! Check'em out.
He is also super talented.
His band kicked butt. I like when he messed up and then smiled. If I was up close, I would've been able to see the gap between his teeth.
Flash forward to Friday, October 2nd. Me and Quinn are in that crazy costume store on McCaul. She puts the plastic policeman hat on my head and I turn around and grab this centipede. Then, she takes a picture of me.
This woman! Busking around Toronto, man!
If I were her, I would've gone out the night of Nuit Blanche, too. She even played some Joanna Newsom from her little music player.
Hey, new clothes! Hey, new purse! Nice to meet you!
We were at Dundas Square, waiting for our friends. This was one of a few photos of some shots dedicated to mocking the super hipster fashion site 'Lookbook.' (which are not, here)
Quinn looks real cute, though. You know?
They opened up the back of the old city hall.
Who knew that such beautiful stained glass existed in its courtyard?
But I was more interested in the clock, and then, the moon, too.
Right in the middle of the new city hall, some artist put up these lights. The words kept changing.
Some pretty apocalyptic music was playing.
We created art ourselves!
We created art, ourselves!
These nails have been in city hall for a long time, probably. Then, Ana let some pennies fall, and they went,
'plink, plink, plinkplinkplink'
And then, a bunch of people started doing it, too.
And it sounded so pretty.
Finally, at Ryerson, an artist had this neat idea of asking all these different people for their wishes. She compiled them and put them on stickers, on pennies.
It was really cool to see all these different wishes.
The best part of life is the people, I find.
It is a really good time to be alive.
Oh, and I guess he's been working out, by the way. He's ripped! Check'em out.
He is also super talented.
His band kicked butt. I like when he messed up and then smiled. If I was up close, I would've been able to see the gap between his teeth.
Flash forward to Friday, October 2nd. Me and Quinn are in that crazy costume store on McCaul. She puts the plastic policeman hat on my head and I turn around and grab this centipede. Then, she takes a picture of me.
This woman! Busking around Toronto, man!
If I were her, I would've gone out the night of Nuit Blanche, too. She even played some Joanna Newsom from her little music player.
Hey, new clothes! Hey, new purse! Nice to meet you!
We were at Dundas Square, waiting for our friends. This was one of a few photos of some shots dedicated to mocking the super hipster fashion site 'Lookbook.' (which are not, here)
Quinn looks real cute, though. You know?
They opened up the back of the old city hall.Who knew that such beautiful stained glass existed in its courtyard?
But I was more interested in the clock, and then, the moon, too.
Right in the middle of the new city hall, some artist put up these lights. The words kept changing.
Some pretty apocalyptic music was playing.
We created art ourselves!We created art, ourselves!
These nails have been in city hall for a long time, probably. Then, Ana let some pennies fall, and they went,
'plink, plink, plinkplinkplink'
And then, a bunch of people started doing it, too.
And it sounded so pretty.
Finally, at Ryerson, an artist had this neat idea of asking all these different people for their wishes. She compiled them and put them on stickers, on pennies.
It was really cool to see all these different wishes.
The best part of life is the people, I find.
It is a really good time to be alive.
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