awake, o sleeper

wow! good things are happening. the bulk barn in the mall is closing so everything is 25% off. i got my soynuts for like a dollar today. they make a good snack. i did my taxes for the first time today, met a nice woman named pat. wore a dress and some keds and felt pretty, and walked around all day in the sunshine.

but even better than that is what i'm learning - about god, about this process called life, about purpose.

so yeah, it was just easter, right? so it's all about the resurrection of jesus, his coming back to life. me and some friends were talking about it tonight - resurrection - and what this concept means to our everyday lives.

i feel like this word sounds a bit 'christian-ese.' like the word redemption, or atonement, or even unconditional love. and grace, and mercy. all of that stuff. (i looked it up and) resurrection is the latin/old french for resurgere, which means to rise again. (neat.)

i think of myself and who i am now, and who i used to be. it's such a big difference!

i wrote in my journal today (oh wait, this isn't it) that i wish life could have become easier after i became a christian. that i could just give myself to god once, and i would never doubt, ever again. but if anything, it would be almost completely impossible for me to return to the numbness and naivete of life before my awareness of god's presence in my life.

because i wasn't full of joy. i wasn't abounding in a sense of purpose. i was so lost, seeking in all the wrong ways to get the next thrill, to get some sense that someone would find me lovely, captivating, and desirable. whoa! i'm like, being vulnerable here! on the internet. but it's okay.
i think of myself like a volcano. i wasn't dead, completely. i was dormant. i knew something 'more' was out there but didn't know what. thought believing in god was stupid.

i can't share my testimony here, though. i just can't. but things clicked into place, and i was awakened, i had been made aware of all that life could be, and i wanted more.

i still want more. that's the fun, amazing, crazy thing. is that my belief in god doesn't mean i stop asking questions. not at all. if anything, i ask way more. life is an adventure. it's not like putting my trust in god is a bandaid.

like i was lost, and now i'm all better.

haha, and it's hardly like that.

i discovered this band, the one band member, tim martin, calls himself 'his name shall breathe' and this is what he has to say:

“We’re all part of the same revolution, and it’s called, ‘I’m going to care about something so much that it changes my life’."

yes. i devote myself to god. i seek, i yearn, i love, i am growing and discovering how best to fulfill this sense of purpose.

let me ask you this: what do you devote yourself to? what do you hope for? do you ask these questions of yourself? can you admit that it's possible you are lost? even in the slightest? can you admit that what you've been doing so far hasn't been giving you the deep sense of joy you know that you look for, therefore desire to find?

i don't know all these answers. i pray that we can continue asking them together.