you are here.

dearest readers,

2010-05-11T00:17:00.006-04:00

(the few of you that you are),

how do you do?

i do hope this finds you well.

it is with some wistfulness (but some excitement) that i bring forth to you the news that i shall be taking a break from my somewhat regular maintenance of my little blog here, for an undetermined amount of time.

i may return when my adventures in france commence, i may not.

it is time to live a little!

it is time to take photographs with film cameras!

it is time for a blog-free life!

my thoughts, really, are as much worth sharing as yours.

of course, and notwithstanding, i remain in contact with those who generally read this anyway.

dear readers, i bid you all a lovely summer, full of joy, full of mystery, and, most importantly, full of adventure.

until next time,

yuan

trout river (almost)

2010-05-09T07:33:00.006-04:00

I recently discovered that my camera can take time-lapse videos.

Rodney and I got into Newfoundland on Monday night, and on Tuesday morning we left for Deer Lake to see our great Uncle Bram. We took a 9 hour bus there and back. Uncle Bram and his comrade, Lloyd, took us to Trout River, which is where Uncle Bram grew up in the 20s and 30s before heading off to the war. We are related to lots of folks there. Us Barnes' even have our own store.

He told us what it was like to grow up then, with every member of the family helping to survive and live, to help have the next meal on the table. He is 90 years old.

We were there for a day and took the bus back on Thursday.

By the end of this trip Rodney and I will have traveled about 7000 kilometres.

trout river (almost) from yuan.

time-lapse. ocean.

(A Short Reprise For Mary Todd, Who Went Insane, But For Very Good Reasons - Sufjan Stevens)

rhymes with understand

2010-05-06T23:33:00.018-04:00

Newfoundland.

on top of Signal Hill, St. John's

There's so much space here to think it's almost as if there's not enough busy-ness and things going on to keep me all together. One thing that strikes me about the folks here is it seems like they actually care, about me, about you, about whoever. It's nice to be called m'dear and m'love by complete strangers.

I was having a bath today in my lovely Aunt and Uncle's newly renovated bathroom and I thought to myself, wow this is how people used to bathe themselves for a long time, until now! With large puddles of water, and a washcloth. So antiquated, or something. It made me think about how we take showers, and I guess that's cool, because our technology has allowed us to clean ourselves pretty easily and efficiently, standing up and water running down over us and everything.

But what's the point? I mean, I love showers, but I've been relishing the beauty of baths. I was thinking about how we've come up with ways to speed everything up. We've come up with things like showers to have more leisure time, but when we're done showering, what do we end up doing? (... probably just ending up in front of a screen or something like that.)

Anyway, needless to say, I am looking forward one day to owning my own place, maybe, years down the road, and having a great big bathtub with nice bubble baths and nice-smelling candles. And I'll run the water, and lie in the tub. And there'll be so much space, and I'll get used to it, and then, not being so together and efficient all the time, won't be so bad after all.

One of the only places in the world where you can see the earth's mantle, my uncle tells me.

oh, the scenery.

change.

2010-05-02T13:36:00.003-04:00

I love it.

I am living in a new house with new people and it's a new season of life.

As I was setting up the kitchen and moving stuff around I told Mike, "it's like I'm playing house, except I'm really living it."

and now, off to Newfoundland I go.....

gravity.

2010-04-29T14:46:00.006-04:00

I am packing. In fact, I haven't really started quite yet. (I've been so busy!) I am moving tomorrow, the 30th of April.

I've been taking the little postcards down from my walls and this morning I stuck this bobby pin in this little wad of yellow sticky wall stuff.

A friend told me that our relationships are like silly putty, sometimes. That the ones that last the longest leave the biggest imprint. And the deeper the imprint, the more time it takes for the silly putty to return to its natural form, to fill itself in from that imprint.

It's true. There were only two little holes where I had stuck in the bobby pins from this morning, and I put a few more in after stabbing it again, this afternoon (--while having some stimulating conversation with Bell and Rogers phone/internet folks. Those phone calls always take so long.).

These imprints were, naturally, more shallow. They hadn't had the same time to set in.

So, that's symbolic image of the day. Isn't it kind of beautiful? Things take time to heal. Imprints left from relationships are different depending on the nature and length of the relationship. Some leave a bigger imprint on us than others.

But it's worth it, the waiting and the filling in and the time, are so worth it.

where we grow up

2010-04-27T09:47:00.014-04:00

14 Grange Ave. Toronto, Ontario. I lived here until I was 9 years old.

I had never before noticed this crack in the staircase. It must have gotten worse as time went on. My brother said that our dad always wanted to fix it.

The squirrels and our old Chinese neighbours would always eat the cherries off of this tree.

The front door. We hardly used it.

We knew it was a stranger at our door when they would knock on this one.

The side door. This is the one we used almost always.

When we lived there our dad would get rid of the graffiti.

And I saw this almost everyday.

I love my mom. I cannot help but see her in other people. I cannot help but look at strangers, sometimes homeless ones, and think and know, that is someone's mom.

But our mom isn't homeless, not anymore.

I have a story, just like everyone else. And I guess I wouldn't have mine any other way, no matter the pain and the growth and the realness and rawness of a child with parents who did the best they could.

missed connection

2010-04-22T16:11:00.003-04:00

On my way to Janessa and Eva's goodbye party, I took the bus. I had decided we were going to decidedly and intentionally bless them as they move on to new chapters of their lives, separate from this school.

How lovely! How wonderful.

It was sunny when I got on the bus. I arrived at the stop early so I sat down on the grass and waited. And I picked the grass a bit, too.

I had on my blue sunglasses and when I got on the bus and finally sat down, I took them off. I didn't need my sunglasses on the bus.

I observed the people around me. Students, of course. Girls with black tights and moccasins. Two men in the back wearing baseball caps and leather jackets.

The man across from me was sitting facing the front of the bus while I was facing the side. I noticed he had nice black hair and darker skin like mine. He had a delicacy about him; he had small wrists. I imagined he was a pretty small guy, maybe my height. He had on thick-rimmed black Ray Bans, grey corduroy pants and I noticed that his ruddy brown belt matched his ruddy brown shoes.

He looked pretty intense doing whatever he was doing. His right knee was up leaning against the seat in front of him. He had a black clipboard with papers that he was writing on and highlighting every so often with a neon yellow highlighter that had a pen on the other end. He appeared to be concentrating pretty hard. He didn't seem to notice me looking at him so I noticed him a little longer.

Then, when we were nearing the university he grabbed the cap of his highlighter from his shirt pocket. I saw him try to put the pen/highlighter back into his pocket and miss a few times, which was a bit amusing. He pulled the yellow cord that requested the bus to stop.

Then, he turned and looked right at me. I looked at him and looked away. It felt a bit weird. But I looked back and he was still looking at me, a bit expectantly, or like he wanted to say something, so I looked right back at him.

He spoke quietly.

"Are you half-asian?"

(what a question!)

Me: "Yes."

"What kind of Asian are you?"

(only fellow Asians can get away with asking questions like that.)

"Half-Chinese. Are you half-Asian?"

"Yeah. Japanese."

Me: "Yeah, I could tell you were mixed."

We rounded the corner to his stop and he started standing up.

"What do you study?"

"Medecine.

(my thoughts: ahh. that explains the concentration and serious vibe he was giving off.)

What do you study?"

"Music."

We'd arrived at his stop. He turned to go.

Me: "Nice to see you."

"You too."

And he left.

do you hear it?

2010-04-21T09:12:00.004-04:00

my senses love spring.

speaking of

2010-04-17T21:34:00.009-04:00

Yesterday I read in the May/June edition of Adbusters that the average American consumes about 34 gigabytes of media per day, with another studying claiming that 8-18 year old Americans spend 7.5 hours a day consuming media as well. This makes sense, with all of the time we spend looking at screens, and listening to music, too. Of course, we are left to ourselves to unearth the intricacies of how these studies are done, but that's okay, because it's Adbusters. They're such smart and hip folks.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I am glad they exist. I just associate a queasy sort of feeling in the stomach with that magazine, you know. After doing a full read-through of it I can't help but feel a little more intelligent and aware, yet somehow stripped of my innocence, my blindness to all the brainwashing done by "society," "the media" and "big corporations."

Speaking of media consumption, I would see this movie if the opportunity presented itself:

Especially considering the fact that a blog I dig gave it some thumbs up in this post, too. Brett has great taste in movies. I feel like we should be friends, or something. (via Sarah. thanks for posting it!)

Oh, so lovely -- I heard this song at a fundraiser tonight for a project of Leanne's church... of course, we all know it, it's in movies and media all the time. I had never seen it performed live. But do take a listen. It's from Léo Delibes’ opera Lakmé. How lovely.

Sous le dôme épais - Joan Sutherland

.... How many gigabytes has this been?

restless

2010-04-16T00:23:00.007-04:00

St. Augustine was a philosopher and theologian who lived from 354 a.d. to 430. That's a long time ago. He was a student of rhetoric until he underwent a sort of transformation and conversion to Christianity after having read an account of the life of St. Anthony. At least, that's what Wikipedia tells me.

This is an excerpt from St. Augustine's Confessions. It's a bit much to wrap the mind around. I highlighted the parts I liked the best. I just think the one misquoted line -- "you are have made us for yourselves, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find themselves in you" -- is terribly profound.

---

Great are you, O Lord, and exceedingly worthy of praise; your power is immense, and your wisdom beyond reckoning. And so we men, who are a due part of your creation, long to praise you – we also carry our mortality about with us, carry the evidence of our sin and with it the proof that you thwart the proud. You arouse us so that praising you may bring us joy, because you have made us and drawn us to yourself, and our heart is unquiet until it rests in you.

Grant me to know and understand, Lord, which comes first. To call upon you or to praise you? To know you or to call upon you? Must we know you before we can call upon you? Anyone who invokes what is still unknown may be making a mistake. Or should you be invoked first, so that we may then come to know you? But how can people call upon someone in whom they do not yet believe? And how can they believe without a preacher?

But scripture tells us that those who seek the Lord will praise him, for as they seek they find him, and on finding him they will praise him. Let me seek you then, Lord, even while I am calling upon you, and call upon you even as I believe in you; for to us you have indeed been preached. My faith calls upon you, Lord, this faith which is your gift to me, which you have breathed into me through the humanity of your Son and the ministry of your preacher.

How shall I call upon my God, my God and my Lord, when by the very act of calling upon him I would be calling him into myself? Is there any place within me into which my God might come? How should the God who made heaven and earth come into me? Is there any room in me for you, Lord, my God? Even heaven and earth, which you have made and in which you have made me – can even they contain you? Since nothing that exists would exist without you, does it follow that whatever exists does in some way contain you?

But if this is so, how can I, who am one of these existing things, ask you to come into me, when I would not exist at all unless you were already in me? Not yet am I in hell, after all but even if I were, you would be there too; for if I descend into the underworld, you are there. No, my God, I would not exist, I would not be at all, if you were not in me. Or should I say, rather, that I should not exist if I were not in you, from whom are all things, through whom are all things, in whom are all things? Yes, Lord, that is the truth, that is indeed the truth. To what place can I invite you, then, since I am in you? Or where could you come from, in order to come into me? To what place outside heaven and earth could I travel, so that my God could come to me there, the God who said, I fill heaven and earth?

Who will grant it to me to find peace in you? Who will grant me this grace, that you should come into my heart and inebriate it, enabling me to forget the evils that beset me and embrace you, my only good? What are you to me? Have mercy on me, so that I may tell. What indeed am I to you, that you should command me to love you, and grow angry with me if I do not, and threaten me with enormous woes? Is not the failure to love you woe enough in itself?

Alas for me! Through your own merciful dealings with me, O Lord my God, tell me what you are to me. Say to my soul, I am your salvation. Say it so that I can hear it. My heart is listening, Lord; open the ears of my heart and say to my soul, I am your salvation. Let me run towards this voice and seize hold of you. Do not hide your face from me: let me die so that I may see it, for not to see it would be death to me indeed.

---

Congratulations if you read this far! This has been pretty 'religious.' Sorry, for you folks who don't dig this stuff as much. I just thought I'd put this into context. This particularly resonates with me because I'm such a restless type quite naturally. Always on the lookout for the next best thing. I've always been on the lookout for the thing that appears to give me the most meaning, the biggest thrill, the biggest sense of acceptance, or validation.

But, if I may be so bold to say - on the internet, of all things - that it is only in God, that I have found peace. It is only in bringing praise to God that I have found the deepest joy. It's so life-giving. It's so fun! ...It's so humbling.

I have been restless - I am restless. And it is only where I find myself in God - in all of my being, my desires, my thoughts, my moments, my experiences - that is where I find myself, in full.

in print.

2010-04-14T22:22:00.012-04:00

I live. I take photographs with my digital camera. I post them online. I have yet to print any photos I have taken with said camera. This is a sad fact, indeed. Before my Mac dies on me (which I assume it will as anyone I know who's owned a Mac has had this happen to them) I should probably print some of my photographs. Then, I can have them forever.

Isabel, my baby sister, is to die for in this hat. Whatever that means. What I mean to say is that she is dang cute! Laura made that bonnet from scratch; she sewed it herself. I have the best mom.

This is a colleague and friend of mine, Steven Craig. He plays violin. He had a great look that day. I noticed the moustache first, and then the rest of his outfit. Those shoes are great, aren't they?

This is a shameless insertion of myself and my friend Mike. I like that the straws are in focus. And I like going out to dinner with my friends.

I also recently discovered this pretty terrific band, Mumford and Sons, via CHRW as well as my housemate Mira. They are totally pals with Noah and the Whale - who I am going to see in London, UK July 10th with my girls!

This song is great.

Sigh No More - Mumford and Sons

awesome.

2010-04-12T00:12:00.012-04:00

London's first ever Car-free day was pretty different in contrast to the Car-free day I experienced in Vancouver last summer. (See image below.) But it was a great first start! Hooray for London, jumping on that bandwagon.

My favourite part was when the woman speaking into the microphone said, "repeat after me, 'GO CAR FREE.'" My friend Matt and I listened, while I sat in the sunshine eating my souvlaki. It was like we were at a rally, or something.

I've had so many ideas for things to say in here lately! But I write almost none of them. I have, however, remembered that I began sharing a list in a previous post. A list of attributes of 'Healthy People,' as deemed by Rod E. Smith. Remember, this is just this guy's opinion. He states that this list is in no way exhaustive. Of course, there are always so many things to learn in life!

Here is the rest of this list:

13. They are regularly involved in hands-on service with people less fortunate than themselves - they serve others.

14. They can follow instructions of others, when necessary, and take on tasks that benefit the community - they are followers.

15. They understand leadership as a role, not as a position, so they lead when it is their function to do so - they are leaders.

16. They know how much they need and do not need others and how much others do and do not need them - they are interdependent.

17. The can identify their own boundaries and become aware of the power and the restrictions of these boundaries - they are self-regulating.

18. They can see clearly that they have both strengths and weaknesses; yet, as much as is possible, they live from their strengths - they are empowered.

19. They achieve their personal and career goals while becoming more intimate with others - they are maturing.

20. They do not expect a problem-free or crises-free life, but through facing smaller problems as they occur, they equip themselves for whatever life brings - they are prepared.

21. They can talk themselves down when anxious, pull themselves together when afraid, gather their internal resources when threatened - they can self-soothe.

22. They can tell the truth to themselves and others - they are honest.

23. They acknowledge the assistance of others in their journey and development - they are humble.

24. They easily accept and indeed enjoy the differences in, and uniqueness, of others - they are tolerant.

25. They feel neither superiority or inferiority in relation to all other people, perceiving themselves as truly equal members of the human community - they are free of prejudice.

--
In other news, I bought three secondhand German books today that I plan on using to help me learn the language. It's one my goals for the summer, to start teaching myself German. Eindrucksvoll.

(in)finite ideas

2010-04-09T11:05:00.007-04:00

I have a lot of ideas. When I read things and see things and talk about things, my mind just comes up with ideas. Sometimes it feels like my mind has too many ideas for itself. I get overwhelmed with all of the things that I want to see happen, with the things that I can imagine! Sometimes - quite often, actually - it's really exciting to have so many ideas.

I'm getting back into the groove of ideas. I've been in a phase this last while of my life where ideas haven't been popping up everywhere. I've been a bit afraid of them, or haven't had external inspirations to provoke my natural tendency towards ideas.

But I'm ready.

But I'm even more excited for what's to come beyond my own lofty imaginings and ideals.

My pal Fiona and I were talking the other night, and, between the two of us, we inspire each other, having presumed and presupposed the existence of a God who has a plan and a "will" for our lives. The same idea of a God presented in Christian, Muslim and Jewish faiths - a God who has created humans for a purpose, who knows us intimately and deeply; a God who is the author of romance, who, for all of our ideas, has three million (or infinitely) more; a God who is the source of all joy, of all love, of all creativity. It's so inspiring, it's so beyond us, it's amazing.

Anyway, one thing she said to me really stuck with me, being an ideas-girl and all. In speaking of God's will for our lives - his desire, what he would like to see happen for our lives, having designed us and made us - she said that one way we discern whether or not it is from God is if it is something that we wouldn't think up ourselves.

She was stating that we can often know if occurrences and opportunities in our lives are from God if they are something we wouldn't have thought up. In all of our ideas, perhaps it would've been the last thing we expected.

This doesn't mean that God just surprises us just for the sake of it, I don't think. What this means, I think, is that it's a wake-up call to the fact that if this presumed God does know all, then his ways are inherently higher than ours. It's like that analogy of a father, I guess. That as children sometimes we want that cookie from the cookie jar, when our "heavenly Father" says to us, "nope, not yet, we're having dinner in an hour and a half." And we had no idea or had forgotten about dinner until he told us.

It's perspective.

The big picture!

What a relief that even in all of my ideas there is something more. Even in all of my ideas I will constantly be surprised and be humbled by the fact that I don't know everything, that I couldn't just think of it myself.

old folks

2010-04-07T19:56:00.012-04:00

After a studio dinner post-master class on Monday night (you know what those things are, now!) I went grocery shopping on my way home from campus. I got off at the Oxford and Richmond stop and as I was crossing the crosswalk I saw the most lovely-looking elderly couple.

If you didn't know, I love seeing elderly couples walking around, together, on buses, traveling, sitting, just being near each other. I love all of the stories that their faces tell, I love imagining the lives they've lived, the things, the pains, the joys they must've experienced together.

They were slowly and carefully making their way across the crosswalk when I looked at them and remembered that I had my camera. I follow this one blog that documents the fashion and style of older folks and I've been inspired but haven't yet had the opportunity to snap some shots myself of some of my own ... subjects. We had a red light together and I said to them, "You are such a beautiful couple! Can I take a picture of you?"

The small woman, named Anne, had some sort of British accent and said, "No one's ever told us that before! Of course you can take a photo!" They posed for the camera and asked me if I was at the university. I told them I was studying music, and the man, who introduced himself as Fred, asked me if I knew Ingrid Gan. I said that I didn't and he said that she was this year's recipient of the pretty prestigious Fred Pattison Piano Competition.

Immediately it dawned on me and I asked him, "Are you Fred Pattison?" And he said, "why, yes, I am," and I was surprised! Of course, perhaps few outside of the school let alone our tiny music faculty would've heard of the competition or of him, but of course, being in this little sub-culture, it was a bit of a lovely surprise to have just snapped a shot of such a clearly reputable and philanthropic man!

He claims to have lived "the most fascinating life," as stated in this article that I found.

What a lovely couple. I can only hope that one day my wrinkles tell many stories and that I will walk a slower pace in life, too.

Also, I found this new single by the New Pornographers. It is good the first listen, at least. I haven't decided how I feel about it after the following listens.

Crash Years - The New Pornographers

April the 6th

2010-04-06T14:05:00.005-04:00

It's raining awfully hard here today.

Today is the day where Chris said he was going to that one ten-day program at CAMH. I am thinking about him and wondering how things will turn out for him. I wish I could've gotten his contact information, or even his last name.

Also, man, I like lists. I am reading this book that I have, for the second time, borrowed from my parents. It's called Open Hand: Pursuing Courageous Relationships and it's written by Rod E. Smith, who is a family therapist, a writer, a speaker as well as a columnist for The Indianapolis Star.

It's literally a smorgasbord of articles, stories, lists, ideas, about sociology, humans, us, healing, relating to one another, transformation, all of that. And he talks about God, too.

I found this list and I wanted to share it. It's called 'Characteristics of Healthy People,' (mature, or differentiated, also being words that, in this case, could replace the word 'healthy'). It's long, so here is half of the list; I can share the rest later:

1. They can relate to and relax with people of all ages, races and persuasions - they are accepting.

2. They can mourn after disappointments and losses and, after a time, rise up and face similar challenges again - they are resilient.

3. They have done what is possible to understand their childhood and, despite past trauma, take responsibility for what they are becoming - they are responsible.

4. They are humoured by their own foibles and saddened by cruelty they see around them, but they do not lose hope - they are optimistic.

5. They are aware of the pattern of the cycle of life and they welcome the transitions from each to each - they are growing.

6. They are eager to learn about other people, relationships, life and the world - they are engaged.

7. They can enter the world and the experience of another, listen, appreciate and value without passing judgment, offering advice or modifying what they want to see - they are intimate.

8. They have a few friendships of mutual vulnerability and deeper intimacy with one other person - they know others and are known.

9. They are involved in mutually satisfying relationships with immediate and extended family and have a rich family of choice - they are connected.

10. They are at peace more than they are unsettled, they can be calm in a crisis and can go without company when it is necessary - they are anchored.

11. They live and love deeply, they learn to trust and forgive easily - they are passionate.

12. They can listen to others without speaking, and from the multiple voices around and within them, they can distinguish the voice of the same and deliberate self - they are listeners.

the future . . .

2010-04-05T09:46:00.005-04:00

is decidedly exciting. And it has been a while since I typed in here. Sometimes real life takes priority over life created on screens. Though, it seems life seen through screens is quickly becoming reality. But that's another blog post.

This summer(!) I am going to St. John's, Newfoundland for a week, France for two months, and possibly roadtripping from Vancouver to Portland, Oregon, for a weekend.

In the beginning of May my brother and I are being flown to St. John's by our Aunt Laura (and the plane, too, of course). It's going to be so good, because we know hardly anything about our family beyond our biological parents, and it's going to be good to go back to the homeland .... I've heard there's moose everywhere and that Newfies are quirky and super nice. I am looking forward to good conversations with Rodney, and other folks, too.

Then, there's the possibility (and hope) of finding some wicked seat sales to Vancouver for mid-June, then taking a roadtrip with my pals Kari and Claire to visit our friend Mika -- she's finishing highschool and it's her graduation party! Graduation parties are a much bigger deal to Americans than Canadians. I love the excuse to get together. Keeping my fingers crossed for some sweet deals!

Then. France.

I've been wanting to go to a French-speaking country since I was about 10 or 11. I was always jealous of kids who got to do exchanges and things like that. I looked into working and studying in France, but it can be so expensive! I volunteered with YWAM in Vancouver last summer, and that's who I will be staying and working with this summer. I'm leaving end of June and I'll come back end of August.

I am going to be staying in a little village an hour and a half east of Paris. I will be helping with whatever I can, cleaning, cooking, translation. They'll be running some kids' camps in August. There's a two-week mission trip to Paris in the middle of July. We'll be using art, music, drama, dance, etc. to initiate conversations about spirituality. "Mission work" in France is going to look a bit different than what would be done in a country like Congo.

of course, my head is already planning beyond this summer, too. But anything past 2010 is just speculation. But so exciting, nonetheless.

My mom proposed the idea this past weekend of doing a 6-month school with YWAM in the time I have between graduating 4th year in 2011 and teacher's college. YWAM is big on mentoring and intentional discipleship in the context of serving others. They have this sort of introductory 6-month program they do called Discipleship Training School (DTS). For 3 months you stay at one of their many, many bases around the world and you learn about character, integrity, compassion; you are challenged to grow, to learn about yourself and others and God, and you make friends all over the world, too. Then, for the other months you do what they call 'outreach' -- you simply put into practice everything you have been learning, in a different context and generally in a different culture, in hopes to stretch and challenge you and, ideally, to give your mind a bigger picture of what's going on in the world.

Wouldn't that be crazy? Ideas come and go in my head, but some of them stick, and then I make them happen. Whether it's with YWAM, or doing a DTS, or doing something else entirely, I am pretty sure something exciting is in the works for the future....

it's decidedly an exciting time to be alive.

enumerate

2010-03-29T18:45:00.010-04:00

NB: Every teacher in our music faculty that gives private music lessons to students has their own studio, their own roster of students that they teach. Each week their studio meets for what we call master class, a formal time to come together for at least an hour and perform for each other the pieces that we are working on. I wrote this today in mine.

Masterclass is a time and a place where we have the privilege of playing for other piano students -- students who partake in this action, this art, this music-creating. When I practice, when I sit in a practice room for hours, why wouldn't I want to think about my listener?

Why wouldn't I want to play well -- to my capacity? Why would I want to fill the gas tank only half if I can fill it? Why would I just want to have half of the colours that are available on the palette? Why breathe in only half of the air that I need?

--No. There's more than that; it's a choice that we make as artists, to be apathetic, or not. Or to prioritize things over piano playing. I mean, I suppose much of what we do in life is like that.

What I love about music-making, about conducting, about piano playing, is there is always something that will challenge me, if I accept it. You know? There's always so much left to learn.

And it's a constantly humbling thing.

life + links

2010-03-26T16:49:00.014-04:00

I'm not quite sure how to follow a post like that last one. It's true, it's a pretty crazy story. Life is happening, and if you're curious about an update about me, well, I am in the middle of working through some thoughts of figuring out what I really want, what I need, and who I am. Those are pretty important things to our lives, I reckon.

Perhaps on a more surface level I have some small yet potentially slightly interesting things to share.

I am really excited for Born Ruffians' album, Say It, to drop in June. They've released a single, Sole Brother, and man it is good. I like their music to begin with, and it's great to see them sticking with the awesomeness that works, but also to see them going in a different direction.

Sole Brother - Born Ruffians

Isn't it fun? It just makes me want to turn the lights off and shake my hips.
(Yes, that is a reference to the Unicorns' Tuff Luff.)

I'm also growing out my hair. (I buzzed it in September.) It's in an in-between stage. I found some shots of Tegan and Sara doing a photoshoot with Spin magazine. I've always thought they had pretty good hair but I am especially liking their latest look.

photo by Darren Ankenman

I also have been listening to the soundtrack that accompanied a book I began reading in Québec, but never finished, Eric-Emmanuel Schmitt's Ma Vie Avec Mozart, (My Life with Mozart). Schmitt's book is a memoir and homage to Mozart; how his music helped to transform him throughout his life, throughout emotional and artistic trials. It's a great soundtrack.

My last link to share is this video. It is the opening track of the album. I've never been an opera girl but this aria, from The Marriage of Figaro, is absolutely beautiful, breathtaking, exquisite. Best listened to on full speakers. Mozart is great to study and do work to.

Ahh, life.

a story.

2010-03-21T20:49:00.017-04:00

He was disheveled and anxious when he came up to me on Friday, asking for money.

I was sitting in the London VIA Rail station when he came around the corner, asking other sitting people if they had any change to spare. He asked several people but they shook their heads and they disappeared behind their newspapers and their cellphones.

He had on a baseball cap with medium-brown hair trailing out from underneath it, grazing his shoulders. His eyes looked small behind his thick glasses. He carried a small duffel bag and his jeans were loose-fitting. He wrung his hands when he talked.

I saw him coming and I knew I was going to give him money. He stood before me and I listened to him. He asked me if I had any spare change to help him get a ticket to Stratford. I looked right at him asked him why, then realized it was none of my business, but he proceeded to say that he needed to see his girlfriend that night and had to catch the train at 6 o'clock. I asked him how much the ticket cost and he said "twenty-one fifty." I asked him his name and Chris watched me pull out my wallet and give him twenty dollars. My housemate had just paid me for her portion of the phone and internet bill that day.

I couldn't tell, I didn't know if he was lying or if he was telling the truth. He was filling the air with his words, telling me about a job he just lost and that he needed to find a new one once he went back to Stratford. I handed him the bill and said to him, "I hope you spend it well."

He left very quickly after I gave him the money, saying thank you as he walked away. I told Jesse about it when he picked me up and I had a feeling that he didn't end up using the money for a train ticket. That was on Friday the 19th.

I got into London tonight around 8pm and as I walked out of the station, to my surprise, I saw Chris again. I was walking out as he was walking in and he had with him the same duffel bag. The wordless thoughts that formed in my head knew that he had never gone to Stratford. I greeted him and he seemed equally surprised to see me. I asked him if he was able to make it to Stratford at all and he said no, but that he had gotten a job that would start April 6th. For a split second I considered asking him, "are you lying to me?" but I didn't. He remembered my name and said that he hardly ever remembered names and as I walked away I said, "I'm so happy for you, Chris." I heard him mention surprise that I had remembered his name and we parted ways.

He chased me and he found me and he talked to me. I was barely a block from the train station when he stopped me, huffing and puffing, saying in between gasps that he's been trying to stop lying and that he knew he saw me again for a reason and that I would know in a second why all of it made sense.

He talked a mile a minute, he told me that when I gave him twenty dollars on Friday that he did use it to buy opiates and he apologized for lying, that there was something about the way I talked to him that made him feel 'careable.' He told me that he was surprised by the the guilt he felt even after he hit up after talking to me because the opiates normally numb all of his negative feelings. He told me that opiates aren't like any other drugs - he said he's been addicted to morphine, to crystal meth (a cheap hit that lasts a long time, he says) LSD, PSP, but he could never get addicted to crack-cocaine. It's an expensive habit.

Chris said that he asked me for money because he refuses to steal for his addiction and that he cops have been coming down hard on panhandling. He apologized over and over for lying. I listened, earnestly. He told me that opiates are different than all other drugs because they are physically addicting and that there is only one place in all of Ontario that has a treatment centre capable of handling it, because there is only a 1% rate of people successfully coming clean to opiates without the help of medication. You need medication to come off of opiates.

He talked a mile a minute, telling me that withdrawal from opiates is unlike any other drug, similar to what you see in the movie Trainspotting, minus the hallucinations of babies crawling on ceilings. He described things I don't even know how to type in here. He told me that he had to lie so that I would give him money but that it's something that his body literally needs now to survive. His body on opiates is now normal. He didn't want me to feel that my twenty dollars went to nothing. He said so much, about how rampant crystal meth is in the city of Stratford and how he's going back there after finally getting into this 10-day treatment centre in Toronto, because there he has support and he emphasized that he will be able to find a job there.

Chris said that he is 31. He is intelligent. In him I see a human with loads of potential, a human who has been a character in a story, doing the best with what he has, living the best story possible that he knows for himself. I asked him if he knows God and he used many words to respond, talking about metaphysics and physics, a God that isn't 'he', a form of religion that he has come up with himself. I told him I would keep him in my prayers.

He is going to Toronto's CAMH 10-day medical withdrawal program on April 6th. He hopes to go to Stratford after that and find a job. He says he fears being surrounded by the crystal meth but also doesn't crave it, either. Early in the conversation I offered for us to sit down and talk but he said he was already late for the nightly curfew at the shelter.

I don't know why we saw each other again tonight but I am really glad that he chased me and that he found me and that he talked to me. I am glad that he confessed what he felt like he needed to confess; our words have much meaning. As were saying goodbye to each other he told me there was something about the fact that I said, "I hope you spend it well." I can't ever know what will become of him, but I pray that he is pulled into a better story. A story that allows him to fully live, because he said himself that his addictions and the drugs depress him. A story that realizes this one human being to their potential, because this one human life is so worth it.

better

2010-03-18T13:37:00.008-04:00

There's no more snow around here, anymore.

Things are coming alive again, after being asleep for what feels like a long time.

With each day from now on we are gaining about 2 minutes and 52 seconds more daylight time, and I think that is pretty cool.

I like that the number is exact, it is perfect.

There's never been a better time than now for renewal, for change. For yawning and stretching and things being broken and then fixed again, in completely unexpected, yet better ways.

no clean / clean

2010-03-15T22:28:00.010-04:00

Another shot of some dead fish, similar to one I took in Vancouver. These ones have teeth.
I found them in Toronto.

I like them.

between

2010-03-10T21:57:00.006-05:00

I guess we feel alone some days and others, not.

I haven't felt particularly surrounded by community as of late but I know it's just for now, it won't always feel like this. Catch me this time tomorrow night and I'm sure I'll feel better.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about my future, about this life we live, being small fragments in a pretty big world, (music) education and its purpose, how I dress myself and what this means for my identity (and whether or not it really matters), me & Jesse, how I would really like to spend more time reading and creating art, what it means to be constantly renewed and transforming, all of that.

One of the things I've been realizing and simultaneously mourning is the fact that moving into my 20s requires me to mature. My life thus far has included all-knowing and all-powerful adults who do the decision-making, who teach, who guide. They know what food to buy, who does what and at what time everything in life happens.

I am simply realizing that I am becoming one of those adults.

It's up to me to make decisions, to teach, to guide. To shape the futures of others around me.

What I mourn is the loss of a sense of self, an old self, a younger self. A self that doesn't mind being given expectations and instructions. Now, I am challenged to give them to others myself. And I want to do things well. The end product will be worth it but the transition into that has proven ... challenging.

but, it's cool, because the point is the process, you know?

iii/ix

2010-03-09T20:48:00.002-05:00

maybe it's just too honest to say but sometimes, I feel so alone.

March 6 pt. ii

2010-03-07T07:44:00.018-05:00

I went home over spring break and my mom had some leftover quiche that was pretty dang good. So, I have been inspired ever since and I've been hankering to make my own!

I found an excellent recipe online and I approached Leanne in choir this past week and told her that we needed to make quiche together sometime very soon! So, we did, with Janessa, too.

I made the mistake of buying graham cracker crust - simply because that was the only kind of pre-made pie crust the store had - and it ended up cracking. But we made it work...

"ACTION SHOT!" Leanne caramelized those shallots.

I was cracking the eggs when....

I found THIS EGG. WEIRD. (see video below for behind the scenes action)

Spinach, sun-dried tomato, parsley.... yum.

Some Pillsbury mini-croissants for appetizers.

This is our quiche, pre-cooked.

Did I mention that we ended up eating at around 11:30pm? We were so hungry we completely forgot to take pictures of our completed work. But it was good, man. And quiche makes great leftovers. I recommend it, especially with good company, good music and good conversation.

nothin' to do

2010-03-05T21:00:00.004-05:00

I've always loved this song.

Since I first heard it, of course.

No Bold Villain - Timber Timbre

oh, hey! It's Jesse, with some Jam Jams. My friend Leanne makes them and they're really good.

I am really thankful for the three things mentioned in the two sentences that precede this one.

pretty weird, I guess

2010-03-03T15:35:00.004-05:00

feels like it's been a while since I wrote in here.

I've had an idea or two, but none that I deemed worth the effort and time to sit down and share. this one today, though, is particularly noteworthy.

Thank you to the sidebar on tumblr for this one.

it's called:

50 Incredibly Weird Facts About the Human Body

my commentary:

Number 8 is of particular interest considering the fact that my boyfriend, Jesse, seems to be able to remember anything and everything. This gives me hope.

Number 13 and 14 are dang true! I can remember smells of shampoos and perfume like no other. Maybe not 50 000, though.

Number 17 is kind of weird.

Not too sure about number 20....... and number 34 is just too cliche.

Number 39 is sad, because, well, I think toes are okay.

to, Jesse, re: body hair. (see number 42) OKAY YOU'RE RIGHT.

ah, and number 50. One of many things that separates us from animals. Some would say 'we are all one', but I don't see any animals cooking with recipes or questioning the meaning of life or shedding tears over any reason beyond physiological ones.

hooray for being alive and for being human!

observations.

2010-02-25T18:14:00.007-05:00

so, I have been experimenting lately.

Everyday for this past week I have decided to intentionally start and end my days with talking to God. for fellow Christians, lingo like this is ordinary. nothing special. But for those non-God fearin' folks, lingo like that is kinda weird.

I am aware of that. And I am still putting it on the internet.

it's been so cool!

The reason why I wouldn't do this before is because I'd wake up in the morning, all groggy and then I'd think for a few moments, listening to the French CBC station on my radio, then hop up, open my laptop, check the weather and then be on with the rest of my morning routine. I'd talk to God if I needed to, or something.

I would pray more at night. I would be falling asleep, lately with candles (dangerous!), and maybe thank God for some nice things in my life, or some nice conversations.

I'd say about half of the time lately, though, I would maybe not even talk to God. I generally live life pretty intensely, so it's like, I would build up my need to pray. Then, every now and then it'd all come gushing out, tears and all, me, in my room alone, talking to the air, talking to the silence, finding solace and comfort in having my spoken thoughts lead me down a rabbit-trail of my search for unselfishness, wisdom, and goodness.

that's okay, too.

but I've been experimenting lately, intentionally talking to God in the morning, thanking him for the day, asking him to fill me with patience, to see beauty in everything around me.

it changes my days. Because sometimes I go to class and when there's a kid in my violin class who doesn't learn the bowing as fast as me and wants to share my music and my stand, well, I can get a little impatient.

I was on the bus the other day and I looked around at people I'd never seen before and would most likely never see again. I looked at specific people and there was a really interesting looking girl and I thought, "wow, she is beautiful." Then, I looked at a guy yawning and I thought similar thoughts about him. I looked around and I saw beauty in the strangers that surrounded me. My heart started to beat a little faster, and I felt it.

The moment left me soon after, of course. But it's striking, how it changes my days.

in image

2010-02-23T22:43:00.027-05:00

it's crazy that the end of February is almost here.

it really just seems like this term of the school year just started.

today I got out several recordings of a Schubert piece I am working on.

I need to step my game up if I want to do well on my jury in April.

Being pretty busy is nice. Luckily, there are always moments that make us stop, and appreciate the little things in life.

febuary the 16th

2010-02-16T16:35:00.017-05:00

How blessed is the man who finds wisdom,

And the man who gains understanding.
For her profit is better than the profit of silver,
And her gain than fine gold.

She is more precious than jewels;
And nothing you desire compares with her.
Long life is in her right hand;
In her left hand are riches and honour.

Her ways are pleasant ways,
And all her paths are peace.
She is the tree of life to those who take hold of her,
And happy are all who hold her fast.
The Lord by wisdom founded the earth;
By understanding he established the heavens.

By his knowledge the deeps were broken up,
And the skies drip with dew.

february the 13th

2010-02-13T21:37:00.005-05:00

I am in Ottawa and the people are friendlier here than in London. It is a nice city.

It seems pretty hip now or something, but I'm pretty sure I would really like to have and play an autoharp one day:

Oh, and tomorow is Valentine's Day or something?

That's okay, I guess.

At least, my friend Emily gave me a some v-day love via this post on her blog.
With a morning snapshot of me with some tea in my PJ's, no less.

What a swell start to the holiday!

oh.

2010-02-10T16:14:00.003-05:00

How astutely my piano teacher observes, "Yuan, you only put effort into the things you care about." As if this is some sort of sickness.

How else should I be?

She talks about how anything that I find hard to overcome seems to be impossible for me to tackle because of some kind of mental roadblock I have. It's like she is noticing what countless teachers have told me growing up.

That I have so much potential.

If only I just tried. If only I cared.

How do I make myself work for something that I don't care about? Does that mean I just care about everything?

Because I figure, I should probably just spread my care into all of the important things. But what are the things from which I take my already given care? What do I even care about?

Something about all of this reminds me of my foster mom's, Laura's, notion of character. The things we do regardless of how we feel. Our actions that reveal our maturity, that reveal the parts of who we are that never change.

It's tough, man.

How do I grow more into who I need to be? Who is it that I need to be?

february the 8th

2010-02-08T22:40:00.010-05:00

Seems like everyone has fashion blogs these days. My theory is that the only things you really need to look kind of hipster and cool on the internet are a friend who is willing to take lots of pictures of you, some good finds from thrift stores and then, a tasteful eye for clothing combinations.

My friend Quinn has sweeeet style. (extra e's for emphasis.) She lent me some nice little items this weekend. I am thankful.

I wore the little animal print dress she lent me and paired it with the red knit cardigan I just got for 7 bucks from Goodwill this past weekend. I got these nice boots from a super cool vintage store in Toronto, too. It's great because they are lined and therefore pretty warm. And, of course, it being winter and all, it's necessary that I don the faux-fur vintage Parisien bonnet I got for 2 bucks from Talize. I almost didn't buy it! I am so glad I did. I swear it's only because of the hat that I got stopped by this fashion blogger, who saw me on campus the other day and proceeded to snap a few shots of me for me this entry.

here's that classic effortless hipster-blogging "candid" pose.

hah!

you know, I love fashion and clothes. And I love bright colours.

All you need sometimes is a pal who's willing to snap a few shots. And then you put them on the internet and the world is a hopefully a better place.

lovin' you

2010-02-07T14:45:00.001-05:00

if I could sing and play this song....

The Bean Eaters

2010-02-06T00:19:00.003-05:00

They eat beans mostly, this old yellow pair.
Dinner is a casual affair.
Plain chipware on a plain and creaking wood,
Tin flatware.

Two who are Mostly Good.
Two who have lived their day,
But keep on putting on their clothes
And putting things away.

And remembering . . .
Remembering, with twinklings and twinges,
As they lean over the beans in their rented back room that
is full of beads and receipts and dolls and cloths,
tobacco crumbs, vases and fringes.

- Gwendolyn Brooks

mmmmmm,music.

2010-02-03T23:04:00.012-05:00

so life is pretty yummy right now. I am feeling pretty alive lately. this is a cool thing.

it struck me today that I make music everyday and get to have a degree out of that! how remarkable! how wondrous!

what a real blessing.

so it was perfect when my friend Beth asked me to play a song or two in this month's (north chapter) Starbucks music night that she started almost a year ago. a coffee house in a place that sells coffee! Imagine that.

I asked my super lovely friend Leanne to play with me. I dig her vibe, I appreciate our friendship.

We decided to cal ourselves 'the Anne's (haha, get it?) and told the audience that thus far we remain a cover band.

("But who knows what will happen in the future?")

We stuck with some nice folk tunes and played a little number by Julie Doiron, Romulus by Sufjan Stevens and then added a little Feist on there, as well.

Kristen took this shot. I like the angle. That is Quinn, our friend and loyal supporter.

Also a very nice shot (thanks to Kristen). Quinn wears nice glasses.

Oh, hey, look! That's my friend Alex! He is singing there, and also dating Beth! What a small world!

Hi, Kristen!

We also decided to try on Quinn's glasses and take some photos. (hence the new profile pic. to the right.)

Herro!

Great news is, too, I get to see this lovely lady tomorrow night.
Basia is coming home to kick off her tour!

thank God for music!

february 1st, 2010

2010-02-01T17:33:00.010-05:00

boats - ktinka

"there is no place for apathy in art."

these were words spoken by my choir conductor today. She wanted to encourage us, she wanted to challenge us to be responsive, to really think about what we do as artists -- as creator and as audience.

music is not made by apathy. Art is not made by apathy. Apathy really just does nothing.

she pinched her fingers together, leaving about a centimetre's space in between them, talking about how apathy is really this much before death. This makes sense, considering the Greek etymology of the word means "freedom from suffering."

-----

in his newest book Donald Miller talks about the remarkableness of life. He talks about how in his high school days he would have moments where he would suddenly realize that he was alive and human. He talks about that feeling where you look around and you see everything around you, where you really notice it, where you feel and where you are alive.

this is the good stuff, though! ol' Donnie talks about the fact that life is staggering, and we are used to it.

this is what he writes:

"We get robbed of the glory of life because we aren't capable of remembering how we got here. When you are born, you wake slowly to everything.

Your brain doesn't stop growing until you turn twenty-six, so from birth to twenty-six, God is slowly turning the lights on, and you're groggy and pointing at things saying circle and blue and car and then sex and job and health care. The experience is so slow you could easily come to believe life isn't that big of a deal, that life isn't staggering.

What I'm saying is I think life is staggering and we're just used to it. We all are like spoiled children no longer impressed with the gifts we're given--it's just another sunset, just another rainstorm moving in over the mountain, just another child being born, just another funeral."

man, that convicts me.

the beauty of it is that acknowledging the brilliance of life, and of art, brings an responsibility inherent in that acknowledgment.

I mean, what kind of sacrifice do we live?

apathy is just too easy! Let's live, knowing the remarkableness of life!
Let us not be numb! Let us be alive!

unity/answers

2010-01-25T09:53:00.016-05:00

"that they may be one, as we are one."

"that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you love me."

These are some of the last words of Jesus ... before he was arrested, and then killed. It seems trite to make blog posts about these kinds of things, it seems trite to even type his name in this blog and imagine your thought-voice reading these words, reading his name.

Aakash Nihalani - @ Carmichael gallery, Los Angeles

As always, I was inspired by my time spent this past weekend with a pal of mine named Brad. We talked about the church, we talked about having all of the answers, we talked about questions, we talked about hypocrisy, the irony, ourselves, others, all of it. And a few of the things he said to me have stayed in my head, in my brain.

He talked about his desire for unification, for unity, 'one-ness'. And he talked about the fact that the less he sees himself as having all of the answers for all people, the less he sees himself as a dictator of all things truth - the easier he found it to love people.

He said that it's great, because he doesn't need to try to love people anymore.

His story, if I may add, is one of being raised in a completely rigid and strict Baptist upbringing. You don't read things that aren't 'Christian', you don't seek the truth for yourself. You are guilty, and you follow the rules, and if you don't, then you should probably give your heart to God again, just in case.

i am music

I thought about this, and how it seemed that before I was Christian, I judged my friends less on their behaviour and its implications for who they should be. I didn't really have an idea of who I thought my friends should be, nor did I have an idea of what I thought they should do. Granted, that as an isolated fact can mean little, but in the grand scheme of things, it's been fascinating to see how I have become some sort of truth-bearing holier-than-thou know-it-all. Sometimes.

Needless to say, this has served as more divisive than anything. Sure, it's allowed me to at times feel like I am right, and like I am better than people because obviously I have in my hands a truth that they do not. Yet I have alienated people and I have felt alienated because of this mindset.

It's not black and white. It's been a part of my identity and a part of my journey, but that hasn't served to completely define who I am.

The irony with folks who say they've got all the answers, be they self-professed subscribers to the tenets of Buddhism, nihilism, Christianity, nothingness, science, etc. is that they may never feel that their job is done, they may never feel satisfied.

For folks who don't have all the answers, they don't feel satisfied - but they explicitly acknowledge that in themselves. And if you're like me, where you definitely don't have all of the answers, but have found yourself unable to find any satisfying answers save for the ones regarding faith in a christian God and Jesus and all of that, then there's an awareness of a tension we live in. Where we have some answers, it feels, and then, we realize we don't, not all of them.

We do live in a tension, I think, where we all crave one-ness, but we realize we don't fully have it. But we sort of do. There's a lot of grey area, you know? But then, I believe there are black and whites. For example, you're either pregnant, or, you're not. I guess the kind-of pregnant phase doesn't seem to last long, at least.

you know, more than anything I seek to have a profound hope in all that I do. and, as the good ol' Christian folks say sometimes, a peace that surpasses all understanding. So that I may not find myself trying to love others around me.

but, hey.
what do I know?

(piano-nerd)

2010-01-24T13:30:00.014-05:00

I WANT A FORTEPIANO.

I'm not sure why this one is outside, but it's essentially identical to one that I was able to play today, thanks to my friend Rogan.

I walked past the Early Music Studio in the music building and I heard something that sounded like someone playing an out of tune banjo. I looked in the window, past the dark green blinds, and I saw my friend Rogan. I wanted him to notice me and open the door, but he looked pretty focused, so after listening to him for a bit, I knocked on the door and he let me in.

He was playing a theorbo!

It's a Renaissance instrument. He showed me the other, smaller theorbo he sometimes plays as well. They belong to our school. Then, he showed me the two harpsichords and the piano from the 18th century, one from the era of Schubert or Schumann.

The harpsichord plucks the strings - no wonder why Bach couldn't get any dynamics in any of his pieces!

Then, in the next room, he showed me another harpsichord and a fortepiano.

Of course, first off, it's weird that the keys are reversed in colour - the white keys are black, and vice versa. The fortepiano also had a knee-pedal as a damper instead of a foot pedal. And the hammers are leather-lined rather than felt-lined, which creates an entirely different sound.

I want a fortepiano because it made Haydn and Mozart make sense. Modern pianos are monstrosities compared to their forerunners. Running scales and trills felt like nothing; grace and gentleness in touch seemed to fall off my fingertips.

Ahh, if only I had a spare 50 grand.

owen pallett, rain, music

2010-01-21T08:43:00.003-05:00

I pressed the play button on this video and watched a bit of it. I like Owen Pallett's layering.

And then, I couldn't take my eyes off of it, because the rain is crazy! And the tech people by the end are scrambling and tell him to get off stage, but he pleads, "Let me finish this song!" And I'm glad he did.

His new album, Heartland, dropped in the last week. And apparently it is pretty good.

january 15, 2010

2010-01-17T23:29:00.007-05:00

I was on the train on Friday and I was looking out the window. I had all of these thoughts swirling around in my head. Then, I grabbed my notebook and I wrote these disjunct thoughts down on paper.

------------

I have this sense of hope, this sense of freshness. I have this sense, in my spirit, that something exciting is on the horizon -- something new, something transformative. In my life, and in others around me. I don't know, it feels like it's been a long time since I've felt this.

I was biking to school today and it occurred to me that in my friend Kristen I see a purity. Not in the typical sense, but a purity of heart. A beautiful, unblemished motivation to see all of this world has to offer and to truly love others.

I was talking to Mike today about the line that exists in the 'Christian' life of loving people with an agenda, and then loving people with ... a bit of an agenda. I guess the former is what we see in 'evangelical' crowds -- where there's a sense of finding the 'lost' and reeling them in. Mike said that everything is better when there's God between you and it, that it makes the fruit more ripe. Juicier, I like to think.

I asked him what he thought about doing anything we do without God in between. He thought for a moment, and continued with the food analogy, saying it's like growing up with a mom who's terrible at cooking but tells you it's the best. And then you try actual good food and it's only in tasting that where you realize how tasty food can be. It's a bit of a conditioned thing, I think.

Red to Black 1 - Chad Hagen

I have this idea -- this idea that ideally, the older we grow, the purer our heart becomes. That, if we are feeling beings, then God uses those feelings to show us his goodness. That we have seasons where life is bleak, or at best, mediocre. And then, we have seasons of renewal. Times where we sense and see and taste a deep hope that spills over into our actions, our thoughts, our interactions with people.

I think it's in both nothingness and in everything that we find wholeness. Where we feel compelled with all of our being to seek purity of heart.

haiti.

2010-01-13T20:55:00.011-05:00

AP photo/The Canadian Press, Montreal La Presse, Ivanoh Demers

It is reported that possibly hundreds of thousands of people are missing or dead in Haiti, where an earthquake with the magnitude of 7.0 struck the country's (impoverished) capital, Port-au-Prince, yesterday afternoon (EST).

photo by Daniel Morel/Getty Images

Damage done to the country's infrastructure has been severe.

Aid workers said the capital's creaky water-delivery system was badly damaged by the earthquake. Apparently "lax building codes" as well as shoddy construction contributed to the collapse of many buildings.

photo by Lisandro Suero/Getty Images

an excerpt from the BBC report:

In the minutes after the quake, Henry Bahn, a visiting official from the US Department of Agriculture, said he had seen houses which had tumbled into a ravine.
"Everybody is just totally, totally freaked out and shaken," said Mr Bahn, who described the sky as "just grey with dust".
He said he had been walking to his hotel room when the ground began to shake.
"I just held on and bounced across the wall," he said. "I just heard a tremendous amount of noise and shouting and screaming in the distance."

my heart goes out.

gris

2010-01-10T19:21:00.005-05:00

My favourite colour right now is grey (three Canadian spellings in a row, nuts) and that is a good phase of life to be in.

I go through phases of favourite colours where I like one very much for an undetermined amount of time (6 months to a year?) and then, I start to like a new one. In the past my favourite colours have included red, dark purple, bright orange and most recently, I liked olive green.

The past year, in 2009, I found myself attracted to no colour in specific. I didn't find myself thinking about favourite colours a lot, I guess.

But grey is a good colour.

That is my little bro Caleb, and I love him a lot. I took that photo during the Christmas holidays.

Children are gifts from God, man.
I am looking forward to having some of my own someday, I think.

on progress

2010-01-09T09:43:00.005-05:00

I've only been a week back to school and already, I yearn for a time less scheduled, less filled. A time with more space and a time with less things to get done.

My (foster) mom said that college were the busiest years of her life.

I say to people sometimes, classmates and colleagues, that I hope these are the busiest years of my life. And they are always kind of confused by that.

Rightfully so! It seems that some people are lifers in school. Is that my future? Will I just go straight from being a student in school for my whole life to being a teacher for the rest of it?

I've talked to several music teachers and teachers in general and it's one of those jobs that becomes your life. To be a good music teacher, it really has to become your life. Marking, planning, organizing, buying, living life, maybe having kids. etc. etc.

Lucid Liquor - Oliver Nieder

In my French literature class we are learning about the 18th century and the 'Age of Enlightenment.' We are learning that a fundamental concept of the Enlightenment was the newfound sense of human progress. In our culture now it seems a huge experience of our world has been greatly shaped by this. ... it's so normal to us that it seems strange to think of it as a cultural invention. But maybe it is a cultural invention.

It seems that as much as our lives have been greatly improved (and definitely altered) by this sense of continuous progress, there has been as much damage done to our search for peace as individual humans. You know?

I lit a candle the other night and just sat by it, existing, and knitting. Then, I felt tired and turned the lights off but let the candle stay lit. I crawled into my bed and I watched the candle, I watched the fire. I thought about decades, centuries of people falling asleep to lit candles. People who existed before we invented artificial lighting. People who wouldn't look at a source of light and think of how next to improve it, how best to make use of our (precious) energy, but would maybe just, be.

ah, how lovely to find peace in everything, to find peace while it seems the world is in constant motion.

change

2010-01-03T19:29:00.012-05:00

so it's silly because I cannot find my Here and Now book.

Which means my idea of including some excerpts of it, here in this blog, will not really be able to happen until I find it again. I am unpacking from a month of being away so I am hoping it reveals itself somewhere in the mess of my luggage...

luckily, there are always other things about which one can blog.

inficio - jeng ho

I found a list of "countdown to 2010" songs on a music blog I follow, i guess i'm floating. I like finding new music.

I listened to the song Bradley Bear by a band called Holiday Shores. I had never heard them before but "the underlying 50s theme that explodes into a hip-shaking ending" as well as the "contagious bass" that is "impossible to ignore" as described in its little blurb seemed too irresistible to pass up.

i am music

It is a nice little indie pop tune. I realized, though, that I listened to the bass line in the tune not only based on the songs' description but also because my boyfriend is a bass player, and when we listen to music together he talks about the bass in the music he hears. We were listening to some Kim Walker (et al.) this past week and he mentioned that he started listening to and hearing (and appreciating) vocal harmonies because I sing harmony all the time.

It has struck me lately just how we are greatly shaped by the people who we surround ourselves with. Lately I've been going to Michigan and I don't always hear the (lovely) Michigan accent in the same way I used to. I'm getting used to it! And then sometimes I come home and my friend Mike says he hears me speak with a Michigan accent with some of my words.

i NEVER really listened to the bass in songs before Jesse started talking about it.

humans pick up accents where they go because they hear words pronounced a certain way for so long that it begins to be normal.

isn't that interesting?

a new beginning

2010-01-01T10:10:00.005-05:00

It is a new year! And you can count on me for an earnest journey seeking purpose, finding my way in this world. Being painfully self-aware and on the internet, no less. I mean, I don't know how else to be, really.

I received the book 'Here and Now' by Henri Nouwen from my (foster) parents for Christmas. It is a great little book of meditations and reflections. So I have decided that for the next little while, I am going to put them up here. They aren't too long, either.

from the chapter, Living in the Present

One: A New Beginning

A new beginning! We must learn to live each day, each hour, yes, each minute as a new beginning, as a unique opportunity to make everything new. Imagine that we could live each moment as a moment pregnant with new life. Imagine that we could live each day as a day full of promises. Imagine that we could walk through the new year always listening to a voice saying to us: "I have a gift for you and can't wait for you to see it!" Imagine.

Is it possible that our imagination can lead us to the truth of our lives? Yes, it can! The problem is that we allow our past, which becomes longer and longer each year, to say to us: "You know it all; you have seen it all, be realistic; the future will be just another repeat of the past. Try to survive it as best you can." There are many cunning foxes jumping on our shoulders and whispering in our ears a great lie: "There is nothing new under the sun ... don't let yourself be fooled."

When we listen to these foxes, they eventually prove themselves right: our new year, our new day, our new hour become flat, boring, dull, without anything new.

So what are we to do? First, we must send the foxes back to where they belong: in their foxholes. And then we must open our minds and our hearts to the voice that resounds through the valleys and hills to our life saying: "Let me show you where I live among my people. My name is 'God-is-with-you.' I will wipe away all tears from your eyes; there will be no more death, and no more mourning or sadness. The world of the past is gone."

We must choose to listen to that voice, and every choice will open us a little more to discover the new life hidden in the moment, waiting eagerly to be born.

luke 2:8-14

2009-12-25T22:59:00.012-05:00

Glory to God in the highest, in this season of celebration!

Here is a version of 'Bring A Torch, Jeanette Isabella' that I recorded.

listen to me

Featured instruments are (my badly out of tune) piano, (my dad's old) nylon-string guitar, melodica and ukulele. And my voice.

I enjoy the background noise that you can hear sometimes. People talking, babies murmuring and gurgling. Everything was recorded in about 2 takes, and I just fooled around with some stuff on Garageband. No mystery here.

My mom and I were talking today about how wonderful it is that we can forgive others, because God has forgiven us. Be blessed, my friend.

(p.s... the title's the part from the bible that Linus reads, in the Charlie Brown Christmas special.)

("i'm sort of a boring person.")

2009-12-23T19:41:00.003-05:00

so I was hanging out with my grandparents the other night and we were talking about the good old times.

I love conversations that take you down a rabbit trail, where you're talking about one thing and the next thing you know you're talking about something else and you forgot how you got there. Perhaps one day that won't be so novel! But for now, it is.

My grandpa and I were talking about music (as that is what I study) and he asked me if I liked country music (I forget why) and I thought about it and said, "I like old country music, like Hank Williams."

and then he pulled out this Patsy Cline tape and he put it in on real loud in the other room, because that is the only tape player they have that works. If you had asked me before, I wouldn't have thought that I liked Patsy Cline!

But man, she is good! Check out this song. It is (unfortunately) not a Christmas tune, but it does have some real nice slide guitar licks. Her voice is great.

ps. tomorrow is Christmas eve. nuts!

how we be

2009-12-21T12:52:00.016-05:00

WHOA, hey!

so Jesse and I got each other some instruments for Christmas. We did presents early this year because of timing with seeing each other and everything. I got him a second-hand (steel-string) lap slide guitar and he got me a melodica!

So awesome!!

please take note of our Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It is elegant, I think.

also, you know, I've decided it's okay to sometimes get a little personal on here... I mean, I'm assuming only people who actually want to read this, read this - versus me publicly posting my thoughts and feelings on something like facebook where people see what I am doing with my life whether they like it or not.

That being said, I wrote this in my journal the other night, and I want to share it here. I was writing it and even kind of thinking about my blog and everything. Maybe it can be encouraging, or challenging. I hope it is:

Dec. 19

You know, life is just too short to live it miserably.

And with everything I know, with the information I have, I choose to believe in freedom, living fully. Understanding that God is fully pleased with us. I want to believe in miracles. Miraculous transformation, people changing, lives being completely turned around.

I want to infuse all of my actions with a sense of deep hope. Like the french verb espoir -- hope with a sense of certainty .. with a faith not dependent on myself but in God. A faith in God that leads to a belief, an adherence to the fact that yes, I am worth loving. People are worth loving.

I don't know. I'm sitting in church and I just feel this sense that these past few months I've been only living to half of my capacity.

I just think so much in this life pulls us forward, pulls into reaching our full potential. And that takes imagination, to literally visualize ourselves where we are not, but were made to be.

10:00 - 12:00

2009-12-17T13:25:00.002-05:00

hey!

I watched Casablanca.

I had heard it was a movie about love. I had no idea it was set in the time of WWII and was made during that time, too.

What a love story!

What a good movie.

in my little life.

2009-12-15T09:21:00.005-05:00

I'm sitting here on the cozy queen-sized bed in my parents' guest room. I blog because I can! I'm helping my mom remove the awful teddy bear border that surrounds the walls and the (almost) instant gratification of it reminds me of vacuuming or sweeping, and it's fun.

I've lost 5 pounds in 4 days. Which isn't that much or anything, and I guess that means I'd like to put up some pictures of my face post-wisdom-teeth-surgery. I aimed to recover as quickly as Rodney did -- he stopped bleeding a few hours after, didn't need any of the prescribed painkillers and was eating nachos the same afternoon his teeth were pulled. (!)

Alas, it seems we all cannot be so fortunate. My recovery hasn't been so smooth, but it has been alright, too. My mouth was bleeding the whole day of the surgery, my right cheek has swollen and bruised about an inch off my face and I can't really chew. I even missed the tacky-Christmas-sweater party hosted by Stef. It sounded like a good time.

Anyways, surgery is surgery, and in my little life, I am so glad to be home. I am so glad to have several places to call home this Christmas. It can be a hard time for me. Is that too personal for a blog? It's interesting to notice how I've become pretty accustomed to the vibe of my life in London and being surrounded by 20-year-olds, and now it's strange to be spending time in places like Toronto and Orangeville.

I think I am growing up quite a bit right now. This weekend I decided that I don't think I'd need to be living in Toronto in order to be happy. For me, it's way more about nostalgia, culture, and feeling hip than anything else.

Rather than changing, I think I always need to be willing to grow. It's hard to talk about this and not sound cheesy, but it's okay because I do it all the time. I met a girl in Vancouver who said that we don't really change as human beings because to change means to "make or become a different substance entirely." Changing literally implies that we break down everything that exists and start all over again. As humans we are still the same at the core of who we are (which is good, that is what is intended) but noting that, we cannot be stagnant.

We cannot do things the way they've always been done. We cannot become resentful because that leads to bitterness. We must forgive ourselves and we must forgive others. We must encourage others. I say these things because I know bitter people. It seems we live and exist only to please ourselves. But I don't know, let's do it different. Let's at least, try.

I mean, what does it matter, though. These are just thoughts in my head that I put on the internet.

Rodney showed me this. It makes me think about blogging differently.

So far, in December, I listen to this song almost everyday:

thoughts on nudity and nakedness

2009-12-10T14:46:00.006-05:00

these are just a few highlights from this incredibly profound blog post on nudity and nakedness (thank you Jared and Andrew):

"Nudity only requires the removal of clothes, but nakedness requires the removal of much more: our personal shields, our walls of solitude, the barriers we put up to keep others at a safe distance.

...

We’re living in the most clothed period of time history has ever seen, but are we any more modest? Are we any more moral? Are family values any more protected?

...

Surely all of who you who are married have been nude with your spouse, but how often are you genuinely naked with each other? How often do you deeply, humanly connect with the essence of who your spouse is?

And beyond marriage, how often do we as people deeply, humanly connect with each other? As friends, couples, even family, how often do we let ourselves be truly vulnerable with each other?"

I know I talk about this stuff a lot, but it's so important.

Actually connecting with each other is so important.

And in almost all of my relationships, even my super important ones, I feel like I lack a connectedness.

But I guess sometimes, in order to understand and desire a connectedness, we need to tangibly experience what we lack.

advent(ure)

2009-12-09T10:49:00.007-05:00

This picture is totally the background on my laptop right now.

Check out that mullet! Really, not much has changed since I was little.
And Kyle's face is funny, too.

Man, you definitely don't see mountains like that here in Ontario.

So, I went to Vancouver last summer. And I am hoping to go to France next summer.

Ideally, I'd have some connection with someone there who would say, "hey, do you have any Canadian friends who want a place to crash in France for a few months?"

and it would be me!

Unfortunately, I haven't found anyone like that yet. (If you know anyone in France saying that, let me know.) So I'm looking into volunteering again with YWAM. It would be neat to spend some time with the Taizé community, too.

Oh, man! I picked up a nice little assortment of used books for 50 cents each the other day. The French department is is having a book sale and they had such nice, old books. Poetry, and books on linguistics and classic novels and stuff. The pages were yellowed and smelled of dust, and history.

I realized those pictures I scanned and put here - those pictures of me when I was kid - don't make it look like I was particularly happy. I might scan more. I think I was a shy kid but I smiled sometimes, too.

I am getting my wisdom teeth out this Friday. Please keep me in your prayers for things to go well!

Today is the last day of classes, and that means Tuba Christmas in the music building lobby, as part of the music faculty tradition here at Western! Hooray for cramming as many people as we can in the lobby, selling festive treats, tubas and euphoniums playing carols, and then, collectively singing carols ourselves!

It is a season of waiting, and it is a season to celebrate. Let us do these things together.

nostalgia is progressive procrastination

2009-12-05T19:48:00.032-05:00

Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full.

One for my master, one for my dame,
and one for the little boy
who lives down the lane.

I grew up singing that nursery rhyme to myself, and I grew up watching Star Trek (DS9). I grew up watching Stickin' Around and I liked reading my dad's old copies of MAD magazine.

I totally dug this little magazine put out by the Toronto Blue Jays. I liked the drawings and the dog, too.

If I remember correctly, Rodney and I liked Sonic The Hedgehog 3 better, but we played the second one more often. I was always Tails and he was always Sonic.

I remember when we got our first computer in the summer of 1998. It was a "286" and somehow my dad had heard of a guy getting rid of them from behind this one building in downtown Toronto (which is now where the Four Seasons Centre For the Arts is situated).

It totally ran on MS - Dos and I can recall the family event of seeing how the computer worked, and what would happen when you typed things in after the pixelated white C:/DOS> letters on the fully black screen.

Eventually, we upgraded (it was exciting) and I remember, one time, going 'into' a chatroom and lying about my age and talking to a girl in the States about jazz music. I was nine years old.

Remember those big 8-inch floppy disks?

I remember going to the Christmas parties held by the doctor's office we went to. They always had Chinese Santas (and Garfields apparently, as well). Our 'Hello, my name is' stickers always had numbers instead of names.

I remember playing by myself for hours, I remember playing 'House', I remember seeing how high I could go on the swing before it would jump a little bit at the top. I remember reading anything I could get my hands on, I remember the amazing sweaters and the treats from the dollar store my grandparents would give me and Rodney.

Man, childhoods are pretty good.

he calls it "truth"

2009-12-01T20:54:00.007-05:00

I subscribe to an acquaintance's, stranger's, if you will, someone I know through a friend-of-a-friend's blog. And I really like his last post. And I am going to re-blog it, so to speak. Because it is true, and interesting, and powerful. These are not my words, but Andrew's.

"Genesis 2:18-24 -

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.

So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man."
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

I think God knew our propensity as humans to push away community, relationship, and pursue independence. It's interesting that God brought Adam all the other created creatures and no suitable helper (or, as it's sometimes translated, partner) was found. God knew that Adam would need someone created as his equal (not the same as him but equal to him) to be his partner or helper.

It's also interesting that God took a part of the man's side for Eve to be created. I believe that God's choice of body part was highly symbolic. He didn't use Adam's foot, which would have symbolically put Eve below Adam. God didn't use a part of Adam's head, which would have put Eve above Adam. God chose a part of Adam's side (traditionally, his rib). I believe this symbolically put Eve beside Adam in the things of life, under his arm for protection, and near his heart.

In contemporary society, we praise independence and we pursue casual relationships that cost us little and have nearly no benefit to our lives. God's plan for us is that we would live in families and communities that were close-knit. In these environments, accountability flourishes, deep friendships bless us, and we are given a safety net in case of life's upsets."

why real life is better than screens

2009-11-28T15:14:00.010-05:00

me:

"so I'm reading about the Jesus People movement on wikipedia."

Jesse's mom, Linda:

"Hello-o? I was in it. I was there. You don't have to read about it."

YES.

life!

2009-11-25T20:58:00.007-05:00

Days escape me, weeks fly by, and months come, and they go.

There are exactly two weeks left of first term.

I hear Mendelssohn christmas tunes in my head, I imagine conducting patterns, I analyze texture and orchestration for band pieces, I sleep (sometimes), I eat, I talk, I listen, I learn, I bike to school and think "hay muchos árboles" because that's all my mind can come up with in Spanish, I imagine what I will be doing in 2 years, I pray, I feel, I wish I could take pictures more often, I wish I could have more conversations with people, I make to-do lists, I self-evaluate (then hand it in), I work with kids and one teen, I live life.

I really like the sound of using the dull edge of a piece of lead in a mechanical pencil, I like the squeak it makes.

I spoke to my French literature professor today. He is from Quebec and I asked him how he ended up teaching in London. He said he came here "for love." They were happy for a little while, then they split up because they were both doing their PhD's, and I guess there's this whole thing that people say that you either do your PhD and break off with whoever you're dating/married to, or you end up dropping out, and stay with the person you're seeing.

That's what the people who've done their PhD's tell me, at least! Such devotion!

At least, to brighten your day, look at some neat art by an American guy from the Midwest! He is inspired by nature. His name is Micah Lidberg.

facts.

2009-11-21T13:36:00.008-05:00

DISCLAIMER: Please note that some the following facts are, in fact, opinions of the respective blogger.

number one:

Despite my avoidance of all the hype for Spike Jonze's new flick I somehow had stumbled upon a track of the song featured in Ca Va Cool's fall mixtape (cleverly titled Fall Be Kind.)

The soundtrack for Where The Wilds Things Are is fantastic.

It's one of the best soundtracks I've heard in a long time. YYY's Karen O (ex-girlfriend of Jonze) wrote and did the vocals for these original songs and man, it's good! The songs are fun and accessible, and more importantly, musically interesting. The instrumentation of guitar, the interesting percussion and the ambient backdrop from the movie create a spacious and quirky atmosphere in my ears.

It's received some criticism. But I like listening to it while I create things and also in the mornings when I am getting ready.

Hidaway's gotta be one of the best tracks.

number two:

In other exciting discoveries, the Vanier Institute of the Family has recently discovered that divorce is losing its appeal! In Canada, at least. People say all the time that half of marriages end in divorce these days. Which is mostly true in the States, where 44% of marriages end in divorce, and in Quebec, where the number is as high as 48%.

(Only) 38% of married couples in Canada will divorce by their 30th anniversary.

According to the study divorce rates peaked in the 1980s and since the '90s the numbers have stayed the same. This has also been affected by falling marriage rates due to cohabitation where the breakups of these unions aren't captured in divorce stats. (Which may mean that "couple dissolution" has actually increased.)

It's just kind of cool to know.

(I know where I'm going to be (...and stay) married.

... just kidding.)

number three:

My last fact for the post is that documentary Food Inc. is pretty dang interesting and also kind of disturbing.

It's one of those things everyone needs to watch.

While there were some pretty horrific scenes of the actual production of food, what was more appalling was the impact on our society, humanity, values and health of an industry we know almost nothing about.

Essentially an obsession with efficiency, profit and technological advancements seems to have been a huge factor in the diminishing quality of our food. It's become an industry about doing things with as little effort as possible for the maximum amount of profit.

There's so much to it. You just gotta watch it.

but, okay, my last fact is that lining gloves with fleece has proved to be not as overwhelming a task as I had previously thought. My hand-knit gloves are pretty much done and I am excited to have super warm hands!

no soy perezosa.

2009-11-17T21:00:00.009-05:00

man, you know, I'm done with being lazy.

It's too easy.

I was sitting in choir the other day, beside my friend Janessa. I looked over at her music, and in the top of one of the pages of the songs we were singing, she had written something along the lines of,

you are too talented to not give it your all

or ...something like that.

it's resonated with me. The second I read it, I applied it to myself and I thought about all the talents God has given me, and how it's just a damn shame if I don't do something with it.

tonight, I helped a boy get excited about math. I never thought that would be possible, but I love making things exciting - making things understandable and relatable, and interesting.

man! I have so much to do, but I just want to do with complete joy. What if my life comprised of doing menial tasks like raking leaves and mulching tree branches into machines? I would hopefully find a way to do it joyfully, because I would be serving God.

it's kind of nuts. there's no going wrong, when we're serving more than just ourselves.

so, here's a song that I like, too.

sights/sites

2009-11-13T20:38:00.002-05:00

I like finding interesting things.

These three sites are pretty interesting:

unurth: street art

learn something everyday

made in england

Hooray for wasting time on the internet!

shoot,

2009-11-11T19:23:00.001-05:00

it's true, now everyone's a photographer.

two things

2009-11-10T11:06:00.008-05:00

Whoa!

I learned the word

mamihlapinatapai

(mah-mee-la-pee-nah-ta-pie)

in my Spanish class today. It's a word from the Yaghan language of a place called Tierra del Fuego.

It's listed in the Guinness book of world records as the 'most succinct word.' It describes "a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start."

Isn't that interesting?

speaking of Spanish, this is thing I have been uber excited to share about.

José Antonio Abreu has changed the lives of hundreds of thousands of Venezuela's poorest children. The story goes, 33 years ago he met with 11 kids in a parking garage and started making music. They call it "El Sistema."

As an economist, politician, pianist and music educator, he saw a need for something where nothing had existed.

Children attend each El Sistema center (each "nucleo") for free - in Venezuela, 90% is government funded. As young as 2 or 3 they can begin and they attend up to 6 days a week. There's a whole system, man!

It's simple, yet complex. Watching him explain it himself is the most fascinating. He describes how the act of creating organized music is a microcosm of an ideal world - learning, supporting, teaching, creating, persevering.

It's amazing.

It's spreading to different countries now and it's super exciting to see something that captures two areas of huge interest for me, music and social justice.

"The program is known for rescuing young people in extremely impoverished circumstances from the environment of drug abuse and crime into which they would likely otherwise be drawn."

Lives have been changed individually, communities are being impacted through orchestra rehearsals, through music education.

this is the El Sistema USA site. It has nice colours.

This is the big picture of arts and music education.
Isn't this so exciting!?!

2009-11-09T09:02:00.014-05:00

It's amazing a love that transforms.

A love with its distinct qualities, with a distinct flavour of the person from whom this love flows.

A love that over time, completely alters the way we see the world, that compels us to integrate itself into our plans, into our desires, into our very being.

A love that brings freedom where any unrest once existed.

I experience this love in my own relationships.
I trust slowly, I give of myself when I sense that it is safe to do so.

More often I wish I could be like a child, without reserve or hesitation about asking a stranger what their name is.

Often through the rhythms of my life I see a restlessness.

"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."

That's what St. Augustine has written.

2009-11-07T13:35:00.004-05:00

Jesse got me a tenor ukulele for my birthday!

It's a Fender, with a telecaster head.

And it's made out of koa, which is super nice wood.

hooray for music making!

2009-11-04T13:31:00.002-05:00

hello! I am twenty.

Hooray for being able to have the number 2 in my age for the next ten years or so.

it's fun to be celebrated, just my presence and being alive.

so, I am writing in here in my blog, in the library at school, but I should be playing piano.

this next month and a bit are going to be so busy with school that it's crazy. I'm not even the busiest person I know. my friend is doing a triple major, all in 4 years.

I just really love peace and quiet, solitude, too. I love having time to read and play guitar and go on walks and have long conversations and stuff.

I've been getting in pretty grumpy moods lately, partially due to my busy-ness.

It literally just occurred to me that I can be either a) busy and stressed-out, or I can be b) busy and happy. I choose b).

I was walking down the hill, thinking stressed-out things, and I decided to just stop thinking them. It's interesting how much choice we have with our thoughts.

there is something that I'm super excited about that I want to share on here for everyone to see, but that'll have to wait.

this is my hundredth post!

kick-ass!

amarillo

2009-11-02T07:42:00.007-05:00

so, it's been known for centuries that autumn, particularly in southern Ontario Great Lakes area, is a beautiful time of year.

I am just discovering this again.

I had a nap here the other day, it was nice.

yes.

I love the vibrant colours best.

Look at the shadows on the leaves!

I love those moments where it's both sunny and cloudy outside.

2009-10-31T10:34:00.006-04:00

me and Leanne like this song.

man! it always gets me.

2009-10-30T10:50:00.003-04:00

everyone's heard of PostSecret, I guess.
they published an article in the school newspaper of the new PostSecret book. it looks interesting. I like the blog.

the secrets are read better en masse, I find.

hi!

2009-10-28T22:33:00.002-04:00

I saw a really nice sunset today. My favourite time of the day is that time where it's not yet night and it's not quite day -- it always catches me off guard. It's so fleeting, too, those moments of in-between.

But, this is a sunset I saw once in Vancouver. I was talking to a friend today who had spent her summer on the west coast of Ireland and I asked her if she would ever move there. She said yeah, but then said that it's kind of nice to just keep some places just the way they were as you remembered them, without bringing all the mundane everyday stuff there.

it looks like it's going to be a beautiful day, tomorrow, too.

hello, it's nice to meet you

2009-10-26T23:18:00.001-04:00

process!

2009-10-25T18:04:00.006-04:00

if someone were to ask me right now if I find my life exciting, I would think about it, and then say, "yes."

I am learning so much about music, I am seeing new and wonderful things in the nature around me everyday, I am learning so much about the people surrounding me, learning to fully love, and all of that.

my friend Mika and I have talked a lot in the past about how we feel so compelled to live different lives. no status quo for us - that's already been done. it's like there's something in me that just refuses to live this simple little life of graduating, getting a job, a house and kids and saving for retirement - I need to revolutionize, I need to travel and do, I need to create. this isn't new news for you, though! you already knew that.

but, I'm on this journey, you see.

so, I've stated my case. this ailment, this syndrome; a fear of feeling like I've not lived my life to the fullest if I don't DO something spectacular with myself. it probably doesn't help that so much of our worth and the shape of our identity seem dependent on our vocations and the decisions we make in life.

this is where I respond to my now-expressed afflictions; allow me to preface this response by saying that:

Relationships are beautiful things.

my boyfriend, Jesse, has this ability to love people in a pretty quiet and magnificent way. he is easy to talk to, easy with which to relate, he accepts people as they are.

having said that, I have realized that I am a terribly judgmental person, generally mostly to those who I perceive that have it together - whether it's spiritually, emotionally, or financially.

what I mean by that, is that I find myself judging those who seem to live very comfortable lives, because I perceive that there can't be a trust for God if their bank accounts are full of money. if someone lives in a really nice house with lots of nice things and speaks really well and dresses really well, then they're probably unaware of all of the poverty in the world because they are so comfortable.

they're not doing enough; they can't be.

I've been starting to see the huge connection here.

a) I don't think of myself as DOING enough, therefore
b) other people are never DOING enough, either.

this is huge!

this is monumental! I mean, I guess it's fairly simple. the more I judge myself, the more I judge others.

and I don't want either, at all, ever, really.

I have been spending time with God alone, disciplining myself to just be in his presence and to completely banish all of my worries, to not think about anything that needs to be done that day or later, but to picture myself, sitting cross-legged in his hand, being completely useless in terms of my performance, and literally telling myself that God is completely pleased with me.

I have found this incredibly freeing.

to release myself from the need of doing, to create a space for myself and for others where we are free to be more of who we are, and less of what we do. this is a good chapter of life. I am liking these themes.

there's this line from the movie Before Sunrise. the character, Celine says:

I had worked for this old man and once he told me that he had spent his whole life thinking about his career and his work. And he was fifty-two and it suddenly struck him that he had never really given anything of himself. His life was for no one and nothing. He was almost crying saying that.

man! the stuff that lasts, the stuff that is exciting, is stuff that involves relationships. because, I think, these relationships point us to the richness and to the total goodness of God.

and the leaves are falling

2009-10-22T18:44:00.004-04:00

kids fidgeting, learning music, looking right at you without reserve. singing, learning rhythm, learning sixteenth notes, these are the things that will make up my Thursday afternoons.

thanks to the volunteer program that is available to me by being a music education student.

a group of grade 5/6 students come in the classroom and one of the boys looks at me and says to his two other friends, "I think it's a boy."

I couldn't help but laugh! So I told the teacher, "they think I'm a boy" and she introduced me, intentionally using "she," and they whispered about it. I guess the button up shirt and the loafers didn't help, but I mean, it's kinda funny.

that, and my grandma's reaction to my hair ("What did you do to your hair? ...You were so pretty!") has probably made the shave worth it.

(last night's walk; guess those people really like to keep their lawn pretty clean.)

oh, life is so, so beautiful.

please wake up tomorrow and feel so joyous, please rejoice(!), because.

by the way, did you know that the Bowerbirds play with a nylon stringed guitar with a pick-up?

monday nights.

2009-10-19T20:56:00.005-04:00

so I am sitting here in the United Church surrounded by my friends.

my friend Brad leads this Monday night thing called Emmaus, us "young adults" get together and we talk about God. I am using his computer because I left my own computer charger at my boyfriend's house.

tonight, we talked about God. again!

tonight he mentioned this C.S. Lewis quote - I need to find it verbatim but I did it find it quoted in various places on this internet thing here -

he said that, prayer doesn't change God, really. prayer changes us. it causes our hearts to grow. we pray to God, we talk to him about anything in our heads, anything we feel, and it transforms us more than anything else.

because, a lot of people, sometimes feel like they don't pray enough. our small brains think so "cause + effect" that we think our actions have to do with the "good" or "bad" things that happen to us.

God is way more mysterious than that, I can't seem to figure him out.

and I'm pretty glad about that.

either way, we never really do enough, we are never really good enough people.

but it's okay! because it's really the grace(!) of God that is the point. i think.

unconditional love!

it's funny 'cause as humans, we're really terrible at unconditional love. there's always conditions. always. yet, a God who is pleased with us at any point in our lives, at any time, is a pretty cool guy.

how fun!

read/watch/listen

2009-10-14T22:02:00.004-04:00

I was recently very struck by this article I read the other day in the National Post.

here's the few lines to intrigue:

Parents often complain that kids grow up too fast these days. But many parents, it seems, aren't growing up at all. From middle-aged women dressing like high-school fashion victims to daddy's X-Box addiction, modern adults are reverting to childish habits en masse. In a week-long series, Grow Up, the National Post comment pages examine this annoying phenomenon. In today's inaugural feature, Christine Rosen examines mommies and daddies who put hipster posturing ahead of responsible parenthood.

oh, hey, here's the link, again!

it's a bit long, but it's so well-written.

Please read it!

also, this is a great cover of a great song:

do vs be

2009-10-12T22:28:00.005-04:00

is that not what 'enlightenment' is?

the courage to believe that our mere existence is -- needs to be -- enough, in and of itself?

what if we made lists of things to be,
rather than lists of things to do?

otherwise, will we ever feel satisfied, with our ever-growing list of
things to be done?

this is something I'm still learning, still figuring out.
'cause I have this idea that if life doesn't involve many things being done, it won't be exciting.

but that idea isn't essentially a freeing idea.

and God is about freedom. and he's freed us from things that don't allow us to fully live life.

to fully be,
is to fully live.

because, just being,

is enough.

photo, shoot!

2009-10-10T15:30:00.011-04:00

so, my friend Alayna is sort of an amateur photographer. We have double bass class together and the other day a few weeks ago, she says to me, "I like your look, let's have a photoshoot." we both like stuff like that, and I guess I am a willing subject, and she a willing photographer.

it's kinda weird to put photos up of just me, on my blog, on the internet! but I just really like that photography is ART - creative, interesting, and fun.

so she just snapped some shots.

a day in the life, clearly. life is happening around us all the time.

we threw this blanket on me, and I've always liked those trees out that window.

so yeah, it's funny because it's like that piece of art with the guy and the pitchfork, right? Mark bought that huge bottle of whiskey for a hundred and twenty dollars.

both Alayna and I like the juxtaposition of natural femininity and the kind of harshness of a shaved head.

and then, I grabbed the little dolphin figurine off of Mira's shelf.

gee thanks!

2009-10-07T21:03:00.011-04:00

Why do I do what I do?

Why am I studying music?

What am I good at? How do I do well in school? How I do get A's? Other than getting accepting at my preferred teacher's college, is it all worth it?

Do I want to go to teacher's college?

How do I practice more? How do I not waste my time?

What does all of this mean in terms of the worship I seek to give to God?

Truth is, I'm tired of seeing the tests, seeing the dates in my calendar highlighted with colours, telling me when I am going to be tested on something. I am tired of learning things for tests. For marks.

I want to defy what is now the norm -- at least on a surface glance -- the post-modern, school-for-the-sake-of-a-future-vocation sort of mentality. I don't know if I want to teach music.

But I want to go in each class I have, and act as if I do. I want to practice piano like a piano major, I want to practice bassoon as if I am taking private lessons, I want to conduct as if it is my passion. I want to learn Spanish with (real) hopes of going to a Spanish-speaking country one day.

I want to do that, because I want to love what I do right now, I want to always make things new.

ps. that's god.

i swear i'm doing homework

2009-10-06T21:31:00.002-04:00

but vampire weekend's new song is pretty okay!

life in photos

2009-10-04T23:43:00.015-04:00

It all began with this one guy, named Sufjan. My life since September 25th, that is. I mean, he's pretty awesome, I guess. (!!)

Oh, and I guess he's been working out, by the way. He's ripped! Check'em out.

He is also super talented.

His band kicked butt. I like when he messed up and then smiled. If I was up close, I would've been able to see the gap between his teeth.

Flash forward to Friday, October 2nd. Me and Quinn are in that crazy costume store on McCaul. She puts the plastic policeman hat on my head and I turn around and grab this centipede. Then, she takes a picture of me.

This woman! Busking around Toronto, man!

If I were her, I would've gone out the night of Nuit Blanche, too. She even played some Joanna Newsom from her little music player.

Hey, new clothes! Hey, new purse! Nice to meet you!

We were at Dundas Square, waiting for our friends. This was one of a few photos of some shots dedicated to mocking the super hipster fashion site 'Lookbook.' (which are not, here)

Quinn looks real cute, though. You know?

They opened up the back of the old city hall.

Who knew that such beautiful stained glass existed in its courtyard?

But I was more interested in the clock, and then, the moon, too.

Right in the middle of the new city hall, some artist put up these lights. The words kept changing.

Some pretty apocalyptic music was playing.

We created art ourselves!

We created art, ourselves!

These nails have been in city hall for a long time, probably. Then, Ana let some pennies fall, and they went,
'plink, plink, plinkplinkplink'

And then, a bunch of people started doing it, too.

And it sounded so pretty.

Finally, at Ryerson, an artist had this neat idea of asking all these different people for their wishes. She compiled them and put them on stickers, on pennies.

It was really cool to see all these different wishes.

The best part of life is the people, I find.

It is a really good time to be alive.

2009-10-02T14:16:00.001-04:00

suffering is like hunger

i was thinking this morning that sometimes i wish hunger didn’t exist
that suffering didn’t exist

but the best part of hunger is when you eat.
because then you’re not hungry anymore

opinion(ated)

2009-09-30T14:06:00.003-04:00

I am addicted to the radar.

I am addicted to understanding things, making things in my head make sense.

All of these thoughts ... I’m trying to think what is at the root, at the basis, of any disapproval of another person’s decision?

What would make me disapprove of same-sex couples?

It’s too easy, it seems, for Christians to say, “well, the bible says not to ...”

As if that means anything to someone who doesn’t see its relevance or significance. I assume, of course, its relevance.

What I do know, is that every person is here on the earth to glorify God. In absolutely everything we do. I believe it is written on our hearts, it has been woven into our very skin and in our soul to have a desire to matter to those around us.

It has been woven into our being to desire relationships with others. Because ultimately, the relationships given to us have the potential to glorify God.

We were not made to be alone, to feel lonely, to do life by ourselves. We were made to find companionship. A desire for close relationships, to be truly known, is imperative to our very being.

It glorifies God because in these relationships we sense a deep joy, a sense that our little lives are important to those around us. It reveals the truth. That we matter.

Therefore, it is not the fact that two same-sex people are together that causes my confusion. It is the fact that I believe that any romantic relationship we are in should absolutely bring glory to our Father.

Which requires tough questions sometimes, to find out whether a relationship does.

I believe sexual intimacy has the power to bind two people together in a way that no other form of affection can. I believe that taking the responsibility of sex lightly can desensitize us. Eventually, we become accustomed to obtaining closeness with someone using sexual intimacy as a tool. Because of the weight that sex has, I believe this is damaging in anything that is temporary. Anything that doesn’t last forever, really.

That is my little sister. Sometimes, I miss my bangs.

call/loss

2009-09-29T07:30:00.004-04:00

I am reading Jean Vanier's Befriending the Stranger and it is really thought-provoking. I read this bit last night:

God's call is different for each one of us
and yet it is the same.
It is a call to grow in love, in wisdom and in inner freedom,
and thus to bring greater love, peace and freedom into the word.
Once we have recognised our call and found our place --
which takes time --
then we need to learn to put down roots
and to be faithful to that call.

Each person has his/her role in building the community.
Each has to deepen his/her sense of being called.
It takes time for choices to deepen, to mature and to bear fruit.
Each call is unique
but we are all called to give life
and to give life together, as a community.

...

When we discover and welcome God's call,
something beautiful happens in us:
we experience the love of God for us
and a whole new world opens up inside us.
We also realise that it is a very demanding call.
We are invited to leave our former, familiar world,
and let go of what we used to know and hold on to;
all this implies loss.
We receive something new
but at the same time we must let go of something else.
When a woman decides to marry a man,
she is saying no to thousands of others!
When someone is called to a long-term commitment in l'Arche
that means that she has to let go of her former way of living,
the freedom to do what she wants with her day, with her friends, etc.

Grief and loss are inseparable from the call.
If we accept the call but not the loss
we will live in contradiction.

...

There is the call
but there is the loss.
But who wants the loss?
When I left the navy more than fifty years ago,
I sold everything I had,
which wasn't much, and gave it to the poor.
Today I do not have much to sell
and I doubt if anyone would want what I have!
But the call and the loss continue.
Today I am called to let go of other things: attitudes, fears,
prejudices, security, certitudes,
the need to be in control ...
There is a daily "letting go"
because each day Jesus is calling me
to become more loving, more compassionate,
more present to people,
more fully a child of God, more free from fear.

...

Let us take quiet time to listen to God's call,
To hear God call us by our name.
Let us rediscover our first love,
re-live our first call, our first "yes" to Jesus
or perhaps hear for the first time Jesus' call to follow him,
to love him,
to welcome him "into our home", into our hearts.

I scanned this leaf the other day. Man, leaves are cool.

2009-09-24T13:39:00.002-04:00

thing is I love music, a lot, and more than some people I know, I wouldn't hesitate to make it part of all aspects of my life, maybe even at any given time. I mean, maybe not when I'm sleeping, though.

but I lost my headphones and it's just been really nice to listen to the noise around me. especially if it's silence.

just sayin'.

hair today

2009-09-22T20:20:00.006-04:00

My housemate Mira and I were talking last night about identity and what makes us who we are. She directly inspired something I needed to write down in my notebook today:

humans are not fixed beings. who we are is changeable, different things at different times, different with different people.

utterly fragile.

able to adapt to any circumstances, if willing.

the fragility in our nature lends us to constant growth; our mind and its precepts and presuppositions able to be altered when challenged.

it just takes time.

that being said, both of us shaved our heads last Saturday, and here are some pics.

Amy goes in for the kill. Take that, ponytail.

Haha, this picture makes me laugh out loud. Mira looks like Friar Tuck.

DUDE I have a mohawk.

Two pals. Bald and beautiful. See ya, hair. Who needs it?

scuttle snails

2009-09-15T21:01:00.001-04:00

Timelapse of snails coming out during the rain. Just for fun.

Aphex Twin
Fingerbib

music is pretty alright.

2009-09-13T13:31:00.006-04:00

I have been discovering a lot of new music lately.

The Castanets new album is rockin'. I love the sparseness, the reverb, Raymond Raposa's voice. Oh, man, he even covered several of Hank William's songs, one of them being my favs, Weary Blues From Waiting. If you'd like, you can get it here.

That electronic grungy pop sound of The Big Pink is totally sound of the moment.

Despite giving into the man of Pitchfork, I am digging the sound of the xx, too. I mean, they're my age, tearing up the British indie music scene.

Taken By Trees new album is pretty neat. I like her little Swedish voice and international influences are always cool.

But I found this tune on my computer the other day, and (my friend) Mike keeps going on about this band The Pogues, so I listened to them. And then dragged the track onto my 'cute' playlist.

So classic, so good!

fully

2009-09-10T11:04:00.011-04:00

so, here I am. Back at another year of university. The second last one of my undergraduate degree.

It is an interesting subculture to be a part of. It's like before this summer, I was so used to talking to pretty well-educated and (generally) thoughtful university students. And now, I am getting used to it all over again.

Transitions are weird.

I see the wide-eyed first year students and remember myself at that place two years ago.

I have been having thinking pretty hard lately about what the point of my life is. Why it is that I am actually alive right now, in this world. (huge questions!)

In Vancouver, where I was meeting new people all the time and seeing new things and having experiences, it was so easy to at least be distracted enough to not ask these things.

I think about how my eyes have been opened to only a tiny portion of the injustice that exists in this world. And as a university student, I ask myself, what am I doing about this right now?

It's like my idea of loving others exists only in one realm, in one form. For some reason it's really challenging right now to see the needs of those around me, because we're all pretty well-off students in a developed nation. As if loving others mainly means helping people out of the depths of poverty or addiction.

I'm finding it hard to not feel bitter, to not feel just so spoiled and pretty sick of living in abundance when others are not.

I guess I know the answer is both simple yet complex.

That we live in a time where the kingdom of God is here, but it is also not fully here. So we have full experiences of God's goodness; his beauty in nature, in people, in literature, in music. But that we also have pretty full experiences of the opposite of that; of fear, of apathy, of lethargy, of selfishness.

And everything in between, of course.

But I must believe that there are things to be done here, being myself, right now, in this time, in this place. And more than that, that merely existing and relishing in the beauty of God's world would be enough.

Yesterday, Janessa read from a book of Henri Nouwen (pal of Jean Vanier). He wrote that the way we celebrate birthdays is the way we should celebrate people all the time. Someone's mere existence in this world is enough to celebrate!

What good news. That our mere existence is enough to celebrate. Which allows us to fully love those who cross our paths. Which allows me to realize that living fully can exist in endless forms, at any given time.

(becoming human)

2009-08-31T23:27:00.007-04:00

I am passionate about freedom.

I am passionate about pulling people into their futures, seeing people for their full potential. Which really just means allowing people to realize that what we feel we are called to do is based on who we already are.

I am passionate about learning and growing together.

I am passionate about laughing at myself, seeing things in perspective, and even having fun sometimes, too.

Some processing from my time in Vancouver has allowed me to realize that I am different, my thinking is evolving, and I am growing. It would not necessarily be evident on a surface level or even in everyday activities. Sometimes important change is subtle, too, and that is cool.

A friend of Ryan (the director of Mission Adventures Vancouver) spoke about cross-cultural sensitivity to a youth group that came this summer . I don't remember her name! But she came from the perspective of being Native, which is super relevant because Vancouver has a pretty big Native population, and that is where we were serving.

She told us a sort of proverb they have in their culture. We have: two eyes to see,
two ears to listen,

and one mouth to speak.

--

I spent some time this summer with Don Neufeld. He is a well-respected friend of the YWAM Vancouver community, a seller of books, a lovely and compassionate fellow.

We were at Costco, buying an enormous amount of food in preparation for one of the teams coming in. I noticed he treated the customer service people he interacted with as they are; as humans.

Dialoguing, conversing, giving advice, caring, relating.

I imagined myself at around his age, being 60 years old and thinking to myself, man, the last 50 years of my life I've treated these moments with little worth, treating people as if they are robots, machines.

I've decided to start taking this on at 19, working on it now. It's about becoming human, I guess.

I have so much to say, and so little attention span with which to work with, I am sure.

I so often feel like my life is so small. That there must be some crazy destiny awaiting me, which must involve extensive traveling, too many culture shocks to speak of, foreign children crying at my feet.

Yet, a truth that I am coming to realize is that we are called to love anyone who comes across our path. That it is absolutely imperative to see our value and purpose in any place, around any people, in any stage of life.

Otherwise, we may never see the freedom (no matter how small) that we are (now) bringing to those around us.

lover's life

2009-08-25T18:14:00.004-04:00

so Kathryn and Rebekah and I were talking, and Rebekah said that one day, she might get a tattoo, with "Lover's Life" on her foot, because of this verse from Phillipians 1:9-11, a translation from the Message version of the bible.

So this is my prayer:

that your love will flourish and
that you will not only love
much, but well.

Learn to love appropriately.

You need to use your head
and test your feelings so that
your love is sincere and intelligent,
not sentimental gush.

Live a lover's life,
circumspect and exemplary,
a life Jesus will be proud of:
bountiful in fruits from the soul,
making Jesus Christ attractive to all,
getting everyone involved
in the glory and praise of God.

kind of cool, hey?

2009-08-21T00:53:00.004-04:00

man, I just can't get over that I've spent pretty much 3 months of my life here in Vancouver, and now I am leaving. My mind kind of goes back and forth between having complete excitement for the future and a sense of sadness at all of the goodbyes I will have to do in a few days.

I had my last ride on the Skytrain.

and then, I sang some songs with a makeshift capo. I am pretty sure I am singing old gospel tune 'Oh Happy Day.' It's a good one.

mostly, I am excited for the next chapter of life. I can't wait.

this place.

2009-08-17T17:53:00.005-04:00

man, this is Mika and I at the Chinatown night market. I love this girl. We bought these Japanese character keychains together. It was a pretty bad deal for us, but that's okay.

gosh, I like the beach. especially with Kyle. what a funny guy.

it's in our blood.

so, I leave here in less than a week and that is pretty crazy. I remember flying out here from Québec and meeting all of the people here for the first time. I just can't believe what a wild summer this has been. what lovely and interesting people I have gotten to know, what beautiful sights I have seen.

I've been challenged to meet (and love) people I'd never normally think to talk to, give the time of day to. I've been challenged to take the initiative, even when it's 'not my job.' I've made the choice to separate myself from everyone I know at home, and redefine my sense of family.

I'm going to miss this place.

i lied

2009-08-12T21:21:00.003-04:00

okay, so, I lied in one post on here, and I actually did fly that one day, to surprise-visit my boyfriend, Jesse.

in Québecois French the word for boyfriend is 'petit ami' -- a direct translation meaning, 'little friend.' I like that second one a bit better, I think.

it was awesome because he flew out here to Vancouver to see me in July, and I thought I'd return the favour. and he didn't even suspect! thank goodness for the internet, his sister found me on here and we organized it, with silent loving (and surprising) hands. or something like that.

it was the best to see his facial expression, and then of course, to spend some time with him. here is a picture of his sister's crazy dog, Buster. it's a very fitting name, I think. I am happy to have captured the slightly insane look in his eyes. he pants really loud a lot, and yips around if you have food. that is his friend 'Baby.'

it's been interesting to break up my summer into different chapters. now, life post-flying-to-Michigan means I have less than two weeks left here in good ol' Van-city.

my goal now is to be fully present in the moment, here, now. we have two youth groups here, one from Edmonton and one from greater Vancouver area. it is nice not to be surrounded by Americans who think I say 'house' and 'about' funny.

but I am super excited to be back in Ontario. I mean, I have so much to look forward to. The Born Ruffians are playing in Toronto with The Acorn September 19th, the same weekend as Lolafest. and Sufjan Stevens is actually touring this fall and will be playing in Toronto October 1st!

holy smokes!

flying

2009-08-11T11:17:00.004-04:00

clouds upon clouds

ceaseless white(ness) intercedes the gaps

minding the air

and minding the earth below

(on the PA system, preparing for take-off from Detroit:
"be sure to adjust your own mask before you help others.")

2009-08-05T17:16:00.005-04:00

I am taking an airplane and flying today.

at least, I wish I was.

my time is three-quarters done in Vancouver, and I could've been flying and seeing important people today on my weekend off, but sometimes things just don't work out.

life has been interesting lately, where I have felt so inundated by all things 'christian,' that God and christianity are the last things I want to talk about. but then, I need to, because of what I am doing here. I've just felt so apathetic towards God, so apathetic towards all of it.

but I've had to make a decision not to mentally check-out before I leave here. I mean, I could, but that wouldn't be very fun.

man! there's so much to look forward to, so much that is good in my life. lovely, lovely people and crazy flower-blooming trees and pear trees and pretty excellent music and firework shows and cool, grey skies.

the other night, Rene said "giving value is one of the most powerful forms of love."

giving value to people, seeing beauty in all things.

homeostasis

2009-07-29T20:07:00.002-04:00

it is currently 33 degrees Celsius in Vancouver, BC. There are no clouds in the sky, and there is an occasional and warm breeze.

I have never sweat so much in my life.

my knees are sweating, my fingers are sweating, my cheeks are sweating, my neck is sweating, yeah. it is unpleasant.

I was telling my family that the weather here is perfect because "it never gets too cold, or too warm here."

I think I officially rescind that statement!

I mean, at least my "body-cooling system" is working. (thx lauren)

I am missing the Bowerbirds at the Biltmore tonight. I wish I could see them, pretty bad. it would be awesome.

time.

2009-07-28T01:20:00.003-04:00

sometimes it seems to go by so fast, or something.

and then, other times, not at all.

I am going to pretend as if I have no flights anywhere, that I don't have a flight booked home at the end of the month, or anything.

then, I can feel as though all of my time here is well-spent. I won't be waiting for the next chapter, because there's so much plot yet to happen in this one.

some mountains.

2009-07-23T19:24:00.004-04:00

Hey! Watch this, if you like. I took this sitting in the back of a 15-seater van. It had dark red seats.

Time goes by faster if you look at the scenery. Don't just watch the road. I dare you.

i know nothing.

2009-07-20T23:19:00.010-04:00

right now, me and the team are on a staff retreat in Whistler, BC. it is absolutely beautiful here. there are a lot of mountains and trees! and it is also nice and tourist-y.

tonight we were watching the show 'Intervention' and the one girl, Allison, who was addicted to inhalants, had a pretty rough life.

with Allison, she had become so affected by the circumstances of her life, that without her remaining family assuring her sense of worth, which was altered by the actions and eventual abandonment of her father, she was left to her own devices, numbing herself to the pain.

in christian-world one thing we sometimes talk about is the concept of absolute truth vs. relative truth. I've been trying to decide just what exactly these absolute truths are ... aside from super predictable answers like 'God exists' and stuff. I mean, those are important, too, but I'm looking for something with more meat to it, something substantial.

there was this one scene, and Allison was so earnest! she was high on the computer-duster and cried to her mother, "I just want a father," over and over again.

I think this is an absolute truth that I have realized: that every person has worth - that we are inherently worthwhile and worth loving -- that this is not changed by the actions or words of people around us.

I think what I observed with Allison really reveals a lot about humans. instinctively, we know that we need fathers. biologically, physiologically, emotionally -- all of our facets reveal this and drive us to get our sense of worth in the people around us, especially with that of symbolic roles such as parents.

but symbolic for what?
I mean, I would answer God.

it makes so much sense, and explains aspects of human nature, the human desire to find purpose, meaning, to create, to find renewal, to give meaningless things meaning (superstition?!) and the desire to impact the world around us.

and God is seen in so many ways. man, I love that in the bible it says that his law has been written on our hearts. that's what, to me at least, gives us our sense of right and wrong.

when we see someone damaging themselves we know this is not right. this sense we have cannot just be a social construct. the absolute truth of the endless worth and value of people and things has been written on our hearts and we know it.

because, man, we were made to find deep joy, to experience life fully.
and this is the truth.

finite

2009-07-19T02:22:00.004-04:00

I’ve suspected that if Jesus is central and exclusive, he is also universal and inclusive. Even though I can say with a clear conscience that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, I no longer believe that this is necessarily confined to my obviously limited definition of what this means. If Jesus is the All-in-all things, reconciling all things to the Above-All, then there is no possible way my finite mind can comprehend what this means. Indeed, if my understanding of Jesus limits and confines him to a certain demographic, then it would seem to indicate that my understanding is implicitly erroneous because it is limited and limiting.

-nakedpastor

impact: Vancouver

2009-07-17T00:30:00.002-04:00

the youth group from Washington wanted to go to Gastown and challenge people with signs, and then encourage them, too. I wrote this one, to encourage people.

maybe it can encourage you, too.

some moments.

2009-07-12T02:43:00.014-04:00

I totally did the seawall (on a bike) around Stanley Park today. it was beautiful, so many mountains, so much sea.

then! we sat on the beach and Roein found this little crab, and he gave it to me. whoa.

visit #2 to Stanley Park today, this time at night. my, the sunset is beautiful.

and then, I decided to cut Kari's hair. but my rule of thumb is, no fun allowed ever. nope. never.